Filed under: My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: a lot, about, addict, addiction, all, amusing, angry, apparently, back, because, being, bored, broke, broken, can, compare, comparing, cream, cute, does, done, endless, endlessly, engage, engaging, ever, feel, feeling, felt, frustrated, glad, honest, honestly, however, human, i, inadequacy, just, just a lot, know, life, little, look, looking, me, miserable, muse, normal, not, old, otherwise, pain, pains, pang, peaches, peaches and cream, rank, rankles, reassurance, reassure, reassuring, routine, sad, she, small, something, stab, stabbing, stabby, suck, them, think, time, trouble, until, very, whenever, word, worry
Being angry and frustrated and sad about my own inadequacy is all peaches and cream, until I get bored with the routine. I am honestly very glad that I can feel miserable about it, because otherwise I’d worry that I was broken or something. The little stabby pains that trouble me whenever I think about how much I suck at life are really reassuring sometimes.
However, it gets old.
Yes, I know, I’m not as small or cute or (apparently) amusing as she is. And that rankles, just a lot. But what does it do to muse endlessly on it?
Maybe “engaging” is the word I’m looking for. She’s engaging all of the time. I only am when I feel like it.
But I’m done comparing myself. If I ever need a reassurance I’m human, I can think about them and feel the pang and then go back to normal life… but it’s like an addiction, you feel it once and get a little hooked. “Oooh (shudder), aren’t I pathetic? I’m so pretty and confident and intriguing and no one likes meeee!” is not the slogan I aim to present to the world.
So, fine. A kid I like I’m interested in has another girl in mind who I’m not going to bother openly competing against. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself being all seductive and acting differently because… because he likes someone else? We were getting along pretty well before I knew about her, we’ll get along fine for the rest of the time. No worries, no stress, and only occasionally with a little pinch of remorse at the lost chances.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: all day, anything, attitude, befuddled, binder, blog, chill, chilling, Christmas, cleaning, clue, cold, day, december, done, dream, Dreams, early, excellent, exhaused, find, folder, freezing, friday, friend, friends, frigid, frustrated, frustration, fun, good mood, hallucination, hamster, happy, haze, hectic, hope, house, later, location, lost, marvelous, misplaced, monday, national honor society, nhs, night, no, outline, panic, pen, possibilities, procrastination, ready, restless, runaway, shitty, sleep, sleeping, snow, snow day, story, today, tomorrow, vanished, voila, wheel, winter, work, Writing
I feel a little like writing. Maybe not just the blog today; mayve I’ll pick up a pen or a story outline and set to. Who knows?
Anything’s possible today, though… we have a snow day.
Ha, don’t think I haven’t noticed my own change in attitude toward the days off. Friday was shitty; today is marvelous.
It’s exceptionally marvelous because I mayormaynothave lost my National Honor Society folder and binder, and my voice lesson materials… they are definitely floating around here somewhere, but in all of my hectic cleaning haze, I must have misplaced them.
You know what’s excellent? I have all day to find them. I looked for them last night amidst a cloud of panic, then finally resorted to sleeping and hoping their location would come to me in a dream or hallucination or something. As it is, I did have a restless night, which is why I was up so early today, but I still have no freakin’ clue where my missing materials might be. I am cheerfully planning to conduct a large-scale search for them…. later.
I think it was the addition to something fun to my schedule that put me in a good mood. All last week it was “go, go, go”– and I honestly felt like I was the hamster in the little wheel: trying to go but simply turning round and round in the same exact place. I didn’t think I was trying hard enough, but the more I tried to push myself to get things done, the more frustrated and exhausted and befuddled I became.
But then I cleaned the house, and spent some time chilling (literally) with friends, and voila. Good mood is back again. Maybe that’s key– the friends and fun thing. If it is, though, then why am I constantly being reminded, no fun until the work is done?
Oh, well. I’m happy this morning, and once I find my runaway papers, I’ll be happy tomorrow morning, too. So bring on the snow days, I’m ready for anything.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: awful, bad, basketball, basketball game, bitchy, concession stand, concessions, cranky, disapproval, done, energy, excited, exhausted, feeling, feelings, fin, finished, finito, frustrated, game, good, happy, keyboarding, long, lovely, mood, muttering, national honor society, nhs, no, oh no, pillow, pillows, play, play rehearsal, powerful, productive, Ranting, raving, ruthless, sink, sinking, sleep, sucks, thoughts, time, tired, unhappy, Writing
I was so tired today. And less-than-energetic. And Little Richter wouldn’t shut up in keyboarding and it drove me insane. Plus, I have resumes and National Honor Society crap to do… not that it’s crap. It’s just stressful and time-consuming, when I have such little time to begin with.
It’s amazing I find time for this writing. I’m going to continue to find the time, though, because I’m sure this is good for me.
I really want to sleep right now. It’s too early, and I have things to do, but I really wouldn’t mind just drifting back into pillows and drowsing. It sounds so lovely, and peaceful.
I’m excited for tonight, though, I suppose. Play rehearsal, and then a basketball game to work (concessions). I hope play is productive. Sometimes we really don’t get anything done, and today, I’m honestly not feeling so peppy and friendly. I worry that I might get frustrated and cranky and bitchy. I hate it when I’m like that, despite how ruthless and powerful unchecked rantings make me feel (ruthless and powerful). It’s the after-bitching phase that sucks: the looks your friends give you and the muttering, and the sinking, awful feeling that maybe, shit, I just did something wrong.
Society disapproves of my bad mood. Oh no.
Kick Drum Heart 