Filed under: My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: a lot, about, addict, addiction, all, amusing, angry, apparently, back, because, being, bored, broke, broken, can, compare, comparing, cream, cute, does, done, endless, endlessly, engage, engaging, ever, feel, feeling, felt, frustrated, glad, honest, honestly, however, human, i, inadequacy, just, just a lot, know, life, little, look, looking, me, miserable, muse, normal, not, old, otherwise, pain, pains, pang, peaches, peaches and cream, rank, rankles, reassurance, reassure, reassuring, routine, sad, she, small, something, stab, stabbing, stabby, suck, them, think, time, trouble, until, very, whenever, word, worry
Being angry and frustrated and sad about my own inadequacy is all peaches and cream, until I get bored with the routine. I am honestly very glad that I can feel miserable about it, because otherwise I’d worry that I was broken or something. The little stabby pains that trouble me whenever I think about how much I suck at life are really reassuring sometimes.
However, it gets old.
Yes, I know, I’m not as small or cute or (apparently) amusing as she is. And that rankles, just a lot. But what does it do to muse endlessly on it?
Maybe “engaging” is the word I’m looking for. She’s engaging all of the time. I only am when I feel like it.
But I’m done comparing myself. If I ever need a reassurance I’m human, I can think about them and feel the pang and then go back to normal life… but it’s like an addiction, you feel it once and get a little hooked. “Oooh (shudder), aren’t I pathetic? I’m so pretty and confident and intriguing and no one likes meeee!” is not the slogan I aim to present to the world.
So, fine. A kid I like I’m interested in has another girl in mind who I’m not going to bother openly competing against. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself being all seductive and acting differently because… because he likes someone else? We were getting along pretty well before I knew about her, we’ll get along fine for the rest of the time. No worries, no stress, and only occasionally with a little pinch of remorse at the lost chances.
Kick Drum Heart 