Filed under: Events, music, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: avett, avett brothers, away, bandana, blond, blonde, blue, blue-eyed, cousin, cut, daniel, daniel dix, day, dead, death, didn't, dix, done, dying, effort, exam, eyes, face, figure, finally, full circle, great, hair, happen, happens, harmonize, harmonizing, harmony, here, improve, knew, know, known, long, look, medusa's, mellow, month, months, mood, need, never, nineteen, not, off, online, prom, red, red bandana, see, sit, sitting, stop, summer, the avett brothers, think, time, tranquil, tranquility, turning, unknown, unthinkable, want, waste, wasting, white, wish, world, year
It’s my last day of tests this year. I’m done. Finito. I’m still going to be busy, obviously, but aside from going in next Thursday to roll on the snare for an hour and then practice the senior song with chamber choir, I’m done with school until September. It’s finally summer.
So I’m mostly sitting here harmonizing with the great Avett Brothers and wasting the day away. I figured as long as I was online and in a mellow, tranquil mood, I could try and write.
While I’m thinking of mellow and tranquil, I still am wearing my red bandana. I didn’t know Daniel, but the fact that he never got to do all he needed or wanted to do inspires me daily to get out there. To improve myself, to make some kind of effort to do what I want to before my time is done with. I look at the bandana and I think it. I look at the bandana and I can see his face: I know it from pictures, I know it from the wake. I look at the bandana and replacing the red is white skin and blonde hair, blue eyes and the peaceful face of the cousin I never knew. I don’t see him sleeping, as he appeared in his coffin. I see him smiling the truly excellent smile everyone says they will miss. I never knew it to miss it. I wish I had known him.
Well, I guess that’s what the mellow mood produced. Faint melancholy and a regurgitation of my thoughts from the past few months. Here’s another interesting thought: I went to Medusa’s the week after Daniel died, to get my hair done for prom. I’m going there next Thursday to get it cut. It’s interesting to think that everything revolves that way, or maybe it feels like it does. The world keeps spinning even when something so unthinkable happens it seems to stop. But life goes on, turning, turning. So interesting.
Filed under: My Day, Ranting | Tags: after, amuse, amused, amusement, any, anymore, appeal, appealing, as, attempt, attempting, attempts, attention, attentions, attract, attractive, attractiveness, be, been, behold, believe, believed, big, big deal, blond, blonde, blue, blue eyes, boat, build, building, built, but, can, cheer, cheerful, cheerfulness, cheery, comment, comments, complete, completely, connect, connection, convenient, could, could have, curvaceous, curvacious, curve, curves, curvy, deal, depress, depressed, depressing, determine, determined, do not, don't, drama, dramatic, dwell, easily, easy, else, elsewhere, english, English Regents, even, ever, ex, ex-boyfriend, eyelash, eyelashes, eyes, fact, fail, failure, fantastical, fantasy, feminine, femininity, fiery, flirtation, flirting, float, floated, floating, focus, focused, focusing, frame, fun, gaiety, girl, goes, going, gone, good, guy, guys, h2o, hair, have, heal, healed, healing, heart, hey, hope, hopeful, i, i am, i have, i'm, i've, idea, ideas, imagination, imagine, imagined, inadequacies, inadequacy, inadequate, inconvenient, infested, interest, interested, it, it doesn't matter, just, just that, know, lashes, laugh, length, less, let, life, lifeboat, light, light-hearted, lighthearted, like, long, longer, matter, maybe, mine, my, my own, myself, next, nor, not, nothing, notice, nowhere, noxious, nurse, obnoxious, obscene, obscenely, off, oh, oh-hey, okay, once, out, outspoken, own, party, pause, practice, practicing, pull, pulled, random, really, rebound, refrain, refrained, refuse, regent, regents, repartee, right, romantic, row, row row row your boat, sad, said, say, saying, search, searching, sharp, she, sit, smart, smile, so what?, so what?! loud, soon, sought, sought after, sound, speak, speaker, speaking, speculate, speculation, spirit, spirited, spoken, stupid, suck, sucks, suppose, sure, that, thing, think, thinking, this, thought, thoughts, thrice, time, tomorrow, too, tuesday, turn, turn-off, turns, twice, undesirable, unsuccessful, upset, was, was not, wasn't, water, waters, when, where, white, who, will, will not, with, witty, won't, word, words, would, would not, wouldn’t, wound, write, Writing, written, wrong
I suppose it was just a speculation of mine. You know, a thought. A random inconvenient fantastical idea, that floated in from nowhere. I wouldn’t sound so dramatic, but I’m practicing my writing for the stupid English Regents tomorrow.
But simply put, that means: I guess I just got my hopes up.
It wasn’t a big deal, realizing that, oh-hey, there goes a possibiolity of a fun time. Of course, nothing is really a big deal when it comes to me and guys. I don’t have big deals, or drama. I don’t get upset. It’s “whatever” and “it doesn’t matter” and “who will I take an interest in next?”
Right. Okay, so, who will it be.
I don’t want to think about that right now. I don’t really want to dwell on my failure as a girl, my failure at attractiveness, at witty repartee. I don’t ever like to sit and nurse a wound that will heal easily and soon.
But I don’t want to fail to notice my own sad attempts at femininity. The long blonde hair really does nothing for me, nor do the blue eyes, obscenely long lashes, curvy frame or even smile. Maybe it’s the laugh that turns them off, maybe my cheerfulness is just too obnoxious to behold for any length of time. Maybe the flirting was just that.
Sure. I can deal with that. I won’t think any more on the fact that I’m completely undesirable, too outspoken for my own good, and when the time is right to comment, I refrain. I refuse to pause any longer over my inadequacies as a determined but unsuccessful interested party.
So what if my laugh is too loud, my comments too sharp? So what if I say the wrong thing once or twice, or I’m less appealing than she is?
If I’m too big, I’m too big.
If I’m too smart, I’m too smart.
If I’m only a focus of amusement and flirtation, then I’d do better to focus my own attentions elsewhere.
But this could have been my chance. I let myself believe that, hey, this could be the rebound I’ve been searching for. The connection that pulled me out of ex-infested waters and into a lifeboat built with lighthearted gaiety and a less depressing spirit.
But it’s no big deal. I’ll get over it.
If I’m too romantic and hopeful, I’ve just got to suck it up.
Kick Drum Heart 