Filed under: Poetry, Ranting | Tags: admire, amazing, boy, boys, death, done, flaws, girl, girls, greet, happily, happy, life, lifetime, moment, more, poem, Poetry, short, sing, something, song, spent, succeed, success, swell, think, thought, thoughts, vibrant, what makes you think, why?, wish, wishing
What makes you think that you could
Try it once again
Your heart says, it can’t hurt
Your head says, you’re really stupid
What makes you think that you might
Find that once again
Not that you had It before, but
It’s never a low goal, so
What makes you think that you can
Sashay into his world
Pale hair, hips swinging, smile
And it’s usually the opposite reaction
What makes you think that you should
Attempt to snag a heart
It’s too late for this new start, and
It’s so foolish but your pulse races on
What makes you think that you are
Worthy of his life
It’s sad but his is so different, it’s not
Like you’ve known each other long
What makes you think that you will
Connect with him and his
There’s not so much time to
Act and still it tugs at you, it calls
What makes you think that you may
Ever see tomorrow
Ever get the chance, since none of
Us have time left
What makes you think that you are
Entitled to waste a moment
Dwelling on your flaws when
He could be admiring them
What makes you think that you are
Unworthy of his time
When girl, you’re strong and vibrant
And he’ll know it if you let him
What makes you think that you are
Any less amazing than those other
Girls who look his way
Why you, why you, why you
What makes you think that you can’t
Sing out and greet your lifetime
The seconds that you’re wasting
Could be spent more happily
What makes you think that you won’t
Succeed when it’s been done before
What makes you think that you’re wrong
For wishing at something more?
Filed under: Dreams, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: "Why that's absurd!", 8:00, a lot, absurd, adoration, adore, at least, balance, boys, brendan, cait, caitlin, car, chance, cheap, chemistry, commitment, confused, considerate, contact, conversation, dead of the night, decent, dedication, devotion, don't know, drop, early, eight, enjoy, expect, expectations, eye strain, fall asleep, feel, find, flight, flighty, forceful, friend, fun, God, good night, good times, growl, guess, happy medium, hesistant, hesistating, hesistation, hope, how, i don't know what i'm talking about, inkling, Irresistible Revolution, issue, jack, kate winslet, keep, kiss, leo dicaprio, life, like, live, looking, love, moment, moments, moron, moving, names, no issue, no sinking, one life, people, perfect, perfect balance, person, pillow, please, pleasing, reason, respect, rose, screw, searching, serious, service, settle, settle down, Shane Claiborne, short, sink, six, six hours, sleep, slut, sluts, solemn, soul strain, sounds, stupid, take the chance, text, texting, texting while sleeping, them, think, thinking, thought, time, titanic, too hard, trapped, understand, up, use, vow, waking, what they think, whatever, with me
I don’t know if there’s a better reason for being up this early other than I can’t fall back to sleep, but I didn’t want to take the chance that there was. It sounds stupid, but I don’t want to miss a thing… I’m reading The Irresistible Revolution right now and Brendan was right, it does change you. Already I am searching hard at my life, looking for ways that God can use me. I have the inkling I’m looking a little too closely, but I’d rather try and look too hard than not at all. Although, isn’t God the one who will find service and drop it in my lap? See, I don’t know. So I’m confused and starting to get eye and soul strain, here.
Oh, and I think I was trying to text in my sleep again. Cait wasn’t here last night to check on me, but I woke up and my phone was next to me instead of shoved back way under my pillow, so I was moving around pretty forcefully, at least.
I love sleep. I don’t want to give up sleeping because I act like a moron and can’t stop from growling out names and trying to contact people in the dead of the night. How absurd.
The word “absurd” makes me think of “Titanic,” and Rose. “Why that’s absurd!”
I wish I had a Jack (preferably one that wouldn’t sink). I think he’d be a lot of fun, and he’d think I was fun too so there would be no issue. He wouldn’t be too hesistant or too much of a whore. He would want to talk to me or screw me in a car, depending on the moment. We’d have a lot of good times. He wouldn’t expect commitment or a solemn vow of dedication and devotion– he would adore me in the moment, just as I would him. He would understand that there was only one life to live and enjoy, and he’d want to spend a few short moments of his with me.
That, to me, is the perfect balance in a guy. Not too flighty, so I think I’m cheap, but not that willing to settle down, either. I don’t want to feel trapped. I don’t want to have to spend every waking moment thinking about one person and how they feel and what they think and how best to please them. I want, for once, for someone to want to please me but not want to commit to anything serious. I thought boys liked to be considerate sluts?
I’m not saying I want someone for a fuck-and-run. I don’t want to spend time with a guy I can’t respect or have a decent conversation with. But there should be some kind of happy medium, an easy chemistry that doesn’t require too much input from either of us. I want a friend who likes to kiss me, I guess. Haha.
Whatever, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m probably not posting this. At least not until eight o’ clock, anyway. I might go back to sleep. God will find me, I hope. Or else I’ll keep searching, just not when I’m on six hours of sleep on a Sunday morning. Good night.
Filed under: Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: anything, away, basis, blog, breath, change, college, consciousness, daily, damned, desperately, don't, eager, enter, everything, evolve, evolved, experience, fail, family, few, final, friends, future, gowanda, guitar, guitar riffs, happen, high school, hit me, individual, jam, jamming, last, lately, leave, left, life, living, made, make, make the most of it, making, mark, me, mind, miss, mold, moment, my mark, my own, new, not, nothing, offer, old, one, own, person, possibilities, preparing, queen, riffs, same, school, seeing, senior, sense, short, so they say, stream of consciousness, succeed, terrified, terror, think, thinking, time, transition, want, wasted, weeks, what if?, will be, write, Writing, year, young, youth
As I sit here jamming to the piercing guitar riffs of Queen, I think on the possibilities the future has to offer. What’s new, right? I do that on a daily basis. Lately, though, it’s started to hit me… in a few short weeks I will be considered a senior, or at least in the transition to one. I will be preparing to enter my final year of high school.
I don’t want to! But in the same breath I do; I desperately, desperately do. I want to go out to experience what life has to offer, I want to leave my mark on the world. I want to be my own person, my own individual.
But I’ll miss not living with my family and seeing my friends daily when I’m away in college. I know I will make new friends, but what of the old ones? What will happen?
Anything can happen in that last year of school. Everything or nothing can change me, mold me into the person I will be when I leave for college.
I’m eager, and yet I’m terrified. What if I fail? Or, what if I succeed?
I know I’m not making much sense at the moment, but I didn’t start this blog with a set sense of what I wanted to write about in mind. It just kind of evolved with my stream of consciousness.
In any case, I want to make the most of what time I have left in Gowanda. “Youth is wasted on the young,” they say. Well, I’ll be damned if it’s wasted on me.
Filed under: Events, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: 10something, accident, admiration, alone, always, backwards, beat, beautiful, beauty, bus, busdriver, by myself, check, checking, christ, christ jesus, creation, creativity, creep, dangerous, death, deathtrap, deepfreeze, doom, douse, doused, drank, drink, drive, driver, driveway, enormous, experience, experienced, fear, fervent, few, fine, freeze, freezing, frigid, glazed, go, God, guard, guard rail, guardrail, heart, heartbeat, ice, icy, immersed, imminent, incision, january, jesus, jesus christ, land, lonely, love, mary, mind, moment, moments, myself, natural, nerve-wracking, nerves, nervous, nothing, peace, physically, plunge, plunged, protect, protective, pulse, racing, racing pulse, rail, sank, scary, scene, sharp, short, sit, skid, skin, slow, snow, snow-glazed, something, still, stillness, stood, ten, ten-something, terrified, terror, think, thinking, thought, thoughts, thump, thumping, tranquil, tranquility, um, vehicle, virgin mary, way, what, wind, winter, within, wonder, wonderland
10something AM 1/28/09 The Bus
I hate winter. I really do. I would gladly substitute snow for five months of sweltering heat.
But today, as I walked down my icy driveway to meet the bus, I was awed by God’s creativity, at his creations.
Beauty surrounded me. I don’t think I have the ability to select the choicest words to describe it.
Snow piled up soundlessly around (and on) me. The locust and spruce trees sat stoically on the front lawn and allowed themselves to be frosted by a delicate sheet of white.
The tranquility and silence after a morning of waiting and loud, beat-laden melodies was a welcome, gently settled blanket of peace.
It isn’t often I am alone. I can feel lonely, or sit by myself, but there is always someone with me physically, or checking up on me, or on my mind.
Christ Jesus and Mary. The bus almost slid into a ravine. There was no guard rail. We’re fine though. The busdriver and I. We’re fine.
Back to the snow-glazed wonderland I just stood within– it was nothing like what I just experienced. No thumping heart, racing pulse, or sharp incision of fear. No fervent thoughts like, “let’s just not go this way” or “um, there is no protective rail there.” No nerve-wracking skid or slow creep backwards in an enormous deathtrap of a vehicle.
For a few short moments this morning, I stood immersed in stillness. I wasn’t doused in frigid wind or plunged into icy deepfreeze. The natural scene placed before me sank into my skin and immersed me in love and admiration for the beauty of it all.
I walked down a driveway, and drank in the peace.
Kick Drum Heart 