Filed under: Events, My Day, Random Thoughts, Ranting, travel | Tags: alcohol, arriba, bacardi, beer, beverages, cancun, chicos, club soda, dad, drinks, fridge, hombres, johnnie walker, leave, meesh, mexicans, mexico, michelle, money, mother, nickolas, ocean, people, provocative, shit, smirnoff, stocked, travel, water
The Room (2730), At the Little Table, from the Chair on the Right if One Was Facing the Table, Southernmost Corner of the Room. Under the Weird Textured Picture, on the Smooth, Cream-Marbled tile of the Slightly Sandy Floor.
Gran Caribe Real Resort
Cancun, Mexico
The cleaning ladies (and there are very few cleaning men) will be coming soon. I’m not sure if I should send them away or force Meesh and myself out on the porch/verandah. She (Meesh) is trying to take a nap; or will after she finished reading . I don’t want to have to poke at her to relocate. I mean, the cleaning ladies will come back, won’t they? They can’t make the bed around my sister, anyway, so I guess they’re going to have to. Ha.
Yeah, and they kind of suck here. I don’t want to sound like a jerk, and in their (cute, beaded) shoes, I probably would hate my job, too. But, shit, they’re jsut awful. Mom and Dad gave a guy a tip yesterday to bring back caffeinated coffee for our room– and with a “Si, right away,” he never cam eback. What the hell? My mother spent a lot of money to have a prestocked minifridge (we lacked treats, pop, and water, but did get tequila, Bacardi, Smirnoff, Johnnie Walker and club soda, also beer that tasted like piss. None of which any of my family members enjoy for a cool refreshing beverage. Now, Corona would ahve been okay but there wasn’t any of that (fine by me, but give me water instead, at least). And we only had decaf cafe. No bueno, hombre.
Now, at least, we have some pop (I’m slurping a Pepsi light as we speak), and more water, but they actually gave mymother shit about restocking. They responded with surprise when seh requested six waters and some carbonated drinks. As if it’s not freaking ninety degrees here every day. As if we didn’t fork over upwards of four point five thousand dolores for a god-blessed stocked fridge, some snacks, actual coffee and some servesa that doesn’t give the people who sponsor their salaries attitude. I feel like I’m going to leave Mexico with mixed feelings and the taste of crappy beer and club soda in my mouth because of some of these people.
This is not to mention los chicos who arriba-ed at me yesterday. Mom, Meesh, and I were walking back from the Flamingo Mall. I wasn’t even dressed provocatively, or anything.
More later, though, I guess. We watched the television for a little while and now Meesh and I are heading out to meet Nickolas and Dad for what may be one of our last swims in the ocean.
Filed under: college, Dreams, Events, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: argue, arguments, asks, bile, care, child, choke, conflict, control, controversy, cruel, didn't, dirty look, disagreement, dollars, droid eris, effort, eyes, flipped, growing up, hard, heartless, ingrate, lessons, life, love, money, mother, mouth, mr. j, myself, naturally, new, pay, phone, possess, push, real life, really, receive, samsung alias, she, shouting, sick, strong, strong enough, stupid, suppose, teenager, thirty, thought, thoughts, trample, try, understand, ungrateful, universe, veiled, verizon, vile, voice, vomit, wish, work, world, yeah, you know
How to Control Myself so I Don’t Respond to Infuriating Situations Like a Complete Teenager
A Guide to Stupid Thoughts, by Kim
Mr. J’s disagreement lessons don’t really come into consideration when it’s an argument in Real Life. Obviously.
It’s hard enough to keep the bile from my throat, let alone really ponder the reasoning behind the raucous shouting.
Strangely enough, my head is clearing as the headache gathers. The sour ache at my temples and in my chest congeals as rational thought stomps through and fury pumps as if from a bellows through my veins.
Really, I’m ungrateful? I suppose I am. Sincerely and honestly, I take for granted everything I possess and the love I receive. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t trample over the world as if I owned it.
And so she asks, “What do you take the world for? What do you take me for?”
I take the world for a heartless and cruel universe in which life could end at the drop of a hat. I take her for an angry woman whose temper makes me want to vomit. I still might.
But what is life if I don’t live it like it’s mine? I take my existence for a precious thing, and shit, I wouldn’t work so hard all the time if it meant nothing to me. It means so much that I can’t help but try to live.
So, you know. Naturally I didn’t argue back. I did ask, politely, I thought, if she would like me to. If she’d agreed I might have obliged, I don’t know. I’m not some child she can push around anymore.
Not that she was ever physically violent. But if there are any speculations about my own temper, and why I never really lose it, that’s why. I know it’s kin to hers, and it’s oh so very ugly.
I’m sorry for being ungrateful. I’m sorry for asking for more than she was willing to pay. It’s about a new phone, by the way. Mine won’t charge. At two years old (never having been replaced) I’m genuinely surprised it’s still alive. The Droid Eris seemed perfect, and we almost upgraded, until the “Internet and Data Use” option appeared. Thirty extra dollars (per month… expensive, I understand), and there goes the lid. Flipped.
Oops. I realize I don’t get annuity, thanks. Why didn’t you just say you were broke? I wasn’t aware that I was sharing such a dirty look, sorry. And hell, I’ll keep my eyes down and veiled now and refuse to open my mouth, I suppose.
I did tell her that I wouldn’t work so hard and give so much if I didn’t want to match all that she gives me. It’s so stupid, and I guess I’m not strong enough, because yeah. My voice was thick and pathetic with emotion and I wished I didn’t care so much. I hate conflict. It makes me sick.
Filed under: Ranting | Tags: abuse, america, children, crap, dangerous, dark, fuck, government, gowanda high school, johns, money, opportunities, pimps, post-traumatic stress disorder, project, prostitutes, prostitution, ptsd, Ranting, rape, roundtable, school, suffer, suffering, thirteen, trauma, women, world
So my roundtable project for Government used to be on human trafficking. Then, since I realized you can’t really pick sides (unless you want to be the insensitive and heartless dick who says that human trafficking should be legal), I edited the topic a little. I’m onto talking about prostitution.
It’s called the “victimless crime”– a business that’s been operating for thousands of years is a punishable offense. Although research has shown that prostitutes are raped 8-10 times annually and that 86% of sex workers have been attacked with a weapon, it’s dismissed as NHI: no humans involved.
But, of course, women who work as prostitutes must have chosen their profession because they like sex, right? They like it kinky or violent or just anywhere, anytime. And they get paid. So it’s a pretty good deal. They must enjoy what they do, despite the abuse, the violence, the subsequent drug dependencies pushed onto them by their pimps, are all consequences sex workers decided were worth it. Oh, and the jail time for being caught and convicted of selling oneself? Just a little extra added bonus.
The sex trade in the United States is thriving. So should we legalize it? Nevada did. In Nevada, sex workers are required to have health checkups and johns must use protection. The brothels are deemed to be “safe.”
Does that make it right? Do all prostitutes choose to peddle their bodies and their lives for the perverted satisfaction of horny men? No, and that’s why there needs to be more done, by the government, to help them escape, and leave that life if they choose to. Prostitution cannot be legalized. If we define human rights violations as sexual harassment, physical assault, rape, captivity, economic coercion, or emotionally damaging verbal abuse, then we cannot in good conscience legalize prostitution anywhere, because that’s what prostitution involves.
America is supposed to be the land of opportunities, so why are we letting women who were forced into the dark and dangerous world of prostitution suffer? Most prostitutes enter the profession at the age of thirteen– and please don’t dare insinuate that a thirteen-year-old girl decided she wanted a load of creep-asses to fuck her on a daily basis. Don’t you dare.
There are also the women who believe they don’t have any alternatives. That there’s no other way to make quick, easy money that they need to support themselves, or their child(ren). They sell themselves a few times, and are quickly swept into a deadly cycle of abuse, rape, and trauma.
Nearly all prostitutes suffer from symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.
I guess prostitution isn’t as fun as it seems, is it? Can you see victims yet?
Filed under: college, Dreams, My Day, My Explanations, Ranting | Tags: applications, boys, busy, college, damn, dreaming, Dreams, eastman, free, gas, God, goddamn, gowanda high school, jamestown community college, jcc, jesus christ, job, life, love, mom, money, no way, pumping gas, relax, school, stress, stressed, suck on that, today, weekend, work
Seriously, college is all I think about now. College and life and death and dying and Goddamn I’m sick of it. I’m ready to be done with college and I haven’t even started it yet. I’m hoping that’s a good omen in the long run, though, because that’s the way I felt about prom exactly and I ended up having a blast.
But there’s just so much stress involved. If KT tells me one more time “you need to relax” I’m going to punch Colton in the face, because if it weren’t for him she’d be the same as before.
But life is life and it changes and so do people so I’d better suck it up and move on. God.
At least I’m talking to boys, though. That might help me relax (Jesus Christ).
Relaxing isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing, though. I’m supposed to be working, supposed to be doing everything I can to beat my way into a great school.
My mom told me today that I’m going to end up pumping gas. She told me to go to JCC for free. And meant it.
I’m just not even going to think about that. There’s no way. Just no fucking way I could go there. After all of my dreaming, all of my hard work, to throw it away, for that place?! I know I probably don’t know what I’m saying when I say this, but I’d rather be in debt for the rest of my life and do what I love than go somewhere to learn how to do a nine to five job and get plastered every weekend for free.
God. And there’s just no way I could throw away everything I’ve hoped for and thought of and wished for with all of my heart. Just because of money.
I know money’s important, and my mom would say I’m stupid and have no concept of it because I’ve never had to get a job, never had to make the money to support myself.
Well I guess I’ll figure that all out next year, won’t I? I haven’t gotten any experience with it so far, huh?
The way I figure it, I’ll either sink or float next year. I’ll either succeed or suck and come back home to pump gas.
But I’ll be damned if I don’t try to be all that I can. It’ll be like the dream where I died and watched everyone standing around, shaking their heads and mourning, “What a waste of potential.”
Well, here’s news. I’m not dead.
And I have all the potential in the world. I plan to put it to use.
Suck onnnnn that.
Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts | Tags: adjudication, adjudicator, all county, antiphon, audition, auditions, bogoroditze dievo radusia, breath, breaths, call, calling, chat, chatting, chill, cold, college, colleges, could, cross, deep, deep breaths, dickau, dogs, drive, driveway, famine song, fingers, fun, going, guess, ha, he'll make a way, hope, hours, i, if music be the food of love, literally, look, me, mom, money, mother, nerves, nyssma, nysssa, outside, paid, pay, practice, pretty, puke, rachmaninov, room, score, scores, sheets, sing, singing, solo, somewhere, stand, standing, stood, student, student's, them, thought, throw, throw up, tomorrow, vida, voice, vomit, warm, warm up, whatever, wish, wood, woods, xylophone, your
All county auditions are tomorrow. I guess, according to Robin, NYSSSA auditions are, too, because she thought I was doing one.. and I’m not. Ha ha. I wish I was. I wish I could.
But all county will be fun, and colleges won’t care if I don’t get into NYSSSA or whatever, they’re going to look and see my audition scores and NYSSMA adjudication sheets… at least, I hope so.
I am going to go practice the xylophone in my room as soon as I warm up. The dogs decided to chill (quite literally) in the woods somewhere for a few hours and mom and I were out calling for them. Then my student’s mother came and paid me, and we stood chatting in the driveway for a long while. It’s pretty cold outside.
Now I am going to practice, before nerves make me throw up. Hopefully auditions and the play tomorrow go well. Deep breaths, deep breaths, and cross your fingers.
Filed under: Events, My Day | Tags: alarm, anything, awesome, bath and body, boots, boyfriend, buy, Christmas, christmas tree, clock, day, dial-up, dishes, ducks, early, eyeliner, family, flash drive, four, friends, germany, gift, great, home, hygiene, independent, ipod, lotion, lovelovelove, mary kay, me, michelle, mine, moi, mom, money, morning, musician, nano, new, pajamas, pens, people, phenomenal, pictures, presents, quirky, scan, scanning, shallow, shampoo, sheep, shirt, skirt, snow, snowflakes, square, stocking, tannenbaum, time, tree, whoo!, winter, woohoo!, yearbook, yellow
Whoo! Merry Christmas!
What a day! I’ve gotten the least amount of presents numerically, but the most in value. I have a new (YELLOW) iPod nano, and a flash drive. And adorable boots, and a new Sabres bag (!) and an iPod home/alarm clock/thing, and a new skirt, and a shirt that advises onlookers to ditch their boyfriends for a musician. This is not including various stocking stuffers (mostly daily hygienic products… shampoo, lotion, etc., although I did get some sick Mary Kay eyeliner, and six new pens! I can’t help it, I love new pens… and some of these are purple :] ).
It’s awesome. Just fricken awesome.
And, for the first time, I had my own money to spend on other people. It feels phenomenal. I bought mom new (square) dishes, and Michelle now has a rubber duck, some stuffed sheep, two new sets of pajamas, and socks. All from moi. I love having money, as shallow as that sounds. That means I can be somewhat independent, and buy whatever quirky item catches my eye for my friends and family, and I love it.
Today has been a great day so far. I need to download iTunes v. 8.0 or something, though, which means my dial-up connection to the internet should be humming for, ahh, four hours plus. Oh, well. It will give me time to scan pictures for yearbook and load them onto my new flash drive! :D
Kick Drum Heart 