The words
13 September 2009, 8:36 am
Filed under:
Random Thoughts,
Writing | Tags:
baby,
have to,
mind,
refuse,
scared,
selfish,
thinking,
want,
words,
WritingI can feel the words, hovering nervously at my fingertips. Mind humming in overdrive, heating and waiting for me to just let them out. Get out, words. I don’t want you anymore.
They’re a story. I can’t explain it, but they’re a story to be told, all of those words. All of those words pushing at me for an exit, screaming for me to release them into the world.
They’re mine, a slinking, selfish part of me whispers. They’re mine, and what if the world doesn’t like them? I can’t protect them then. They need to stay here.
You’re being a baby, my other half tells me. Scaredy-cat. Knock it off and grow some balls and write.
I’m going to have to, at some point, or so I hope. I’m trying to refuse the other alternative: ignoring them. What good will shutting them out do? I’ll just block off another part of myself that makes me who I am. No, thanks.
The words don’t want me to block them off, either. They won’t let me freeze them out. They’re itching, fizzing, reminding me that yes, they’re there, and they want out.
A wall left blank, set for demolition
15 July 2009, 6:38 pm
Filed under:
My Explanations,
Random Thoughts,
Writing | Tags:
away,
black,
black on white,
blank,
blog,
call,
can't,
cement,
change,
changed,
changing,
come,
defeat,
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feet,
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mind,
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music,
nothing,
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pliable,
pointless,
presence,
rambling,
red,
red "X",
refuse,
refused,
refusing,
right,
run,
screen,
shadow,
shadowy,
somehow,
sometimes,
space,
stand,
stop,
tag,
the wall,
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tonight,
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turn away,
twisted,
type,
typing,
unmarked,
unwelcome,
unwelcoming,
upper,
voice,
wall,
white,
whiteness,
word,
words,
Writing,
xSometimes when I see this blog form and it’s so empty, so white and unmarked, I am inspired. I can’t stop myself from jumping in with both feet and just letting my mind and my typing fingers run on.
Other times, I can’t stand the intimidating whiteness, hard and unwelcoming. A cement wall, refusing words. I can’t even graffiti black on white, type on screen. Nothing will come to my mind and I’ll turn away from this little blog, defeated.
Tonight, I felt the ominous presence of blank space looming at me in the shadowy light of falling evening. My mouse fluttered near the little red “X” in the upper right hand of my screen.
Then, somehow, I changed my mind. I didn’t leave, miserable with my own lack of voice. I just turned up the music and twisted the cement into something more pliable. Words, inspiration, whatever you want to call it.
This might be a completely pointless, rambling, metaphorical exercise, but chipping away at that forbidding white cement barricade gives me some satisfaction tonight.
I wrote for over an hour earlier, on my story. That might be entirely a waste of time, but it’s good for my mind and it keeps me writing. I can put down some of my imagination in a format where maybe, someday, someone else will derive enjoyment from it. If I could do that for the rest of my life, I might. There’s just so much I could do, I think.
It’s a lot to handle when I have to start looking at colleges. If I wasn’t such a lazy bum enjoying her summer (despite driver’s ed daily), I would get right on that, haha. Then again, I have dial-up here, still, so college research is awfully slow.
Nonetheless, I’ll be chipping away at that wall shortly. Obstacle by obstacle, I’m going to figure it out. Just like this blog, tonight. I guess the best way to gain satisfaction from something is to remove the mouse from that little red “X”, and break out the sledgehammer. Start knocking down what stands in the way of inspiration.
And, I guess
26 January 2009, 11:13 pm
Filed under:
My Day,
Ranting | Tags:
after,
amuse,
amused,
amusement,
any,
anymore,
appeal,
appealing,
as,
attempt,
attempting,
attempts,
attention,
attentions,
attract,
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so what?! loud,
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Writing,
written,
wrongI suppose it was just a speculation of mine. You know, a thought. A random inconvenient fantastical idea, that floated in from nowhere. I wouldn’t sound so dramatic, but I’m practicing my writing for the stupid English Regents tomorrow.
But simply put, that means: I guess I just got my hopes up.
It wasn’t a big deal, realizing that, oh-hey, there goes a possibiolity of a fun time. Of course, nothing is really a big deal when it comes to me and guys. I don’t have big deals, or drama. I don’t get upset. It’s “whatever” and “it doesn’t matter” and “who will I take an interest in next?”
Right. Okay, so, who will it be.
I don’t want to think about that right now. I don’t really want to dwell on my failure as a girl, my failure at attractiveness, at witty repartee. I don’t ever like to sit and nurse a wound that will heal easily and soon.
But I don’t want to fail to notice my own sad attempts at femininity. The long blonde hair really does nothing for me, nor do the blue eyes, obscenely long lashes, curvy frame or even smile. Maybe it’s the laugh that turns them off, maybe my cheerfulness is just too obnoxious to behold for any length of time. Maybe the flirting was just that.
Sure. I can deal with that. I won’t think any more on the fact that I’m completely undesirable, too outspoken for my own good, and when the time is right to comment, I refrain. I refuse to pause any longer over my inadequacies as a determined but unsuccessful interested party.
So what if my laugh is too loud, my comments too sharp? So what if I say the wrong thing once or twice, or I’m less appealing than she is?
If I’m too big, I’m too big.
If I’m too smart, I’m too smart.
If I’m only a focus of amusement and flirtation, then I’d do better to focus my own attentions elsewhere.
But this could have been my chance. I let myself believe that, hey, this could be the rebound I’ve been searching for. The connection that pulled me out of ex-infested waters and into a lifeboat built with lighthearted gaiety and a less depressing spirit.
But it’s no big deal. I’ll get over it.
If I’m too romantic and hopeful, I’ve just got to suck it up.
Kick Drum Heart 