Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: acid addict, acid tripper, addict, after, albeit, america, army, assembly of god, axe murdering, back room, bank, bastard, belief, believe, break, brendan, bruised, bruises, buddy, church, cleanup, cocky, cocky bastard, coffee, commander in chief, community, cuts, day, dedicated, delicately, demonic, deserve, die, dirty, distracted, doesn't, downtown, drill sergeant, emotionally starving, everywhere, exhausted, floating, fridge, friends, God, good, great, hammer, hate, heart, heart like a kick drum, high school, hit, holy, home, hour, hsbc, hungry, impressed, interesting, introduces, james, judge, kick drum, kick drum heart, know, life, love, loyalty, lunch, maggots, man, military, mom, monday, moose, moron, mr. omniscient, my heart, obama, obviously, only, penchant, people, people-reading skills, politely, rambling, respect, see right through, skylar, sore, sorry, spirit, spiritually starving, start, starving, strange, stride, strong-arm, student's, sub-flooring, sun-tanned, sweaty, tan, the avett brothers, The Flood, think, thinking, thought, thought process, time, tired, today, trainees, training, training base, two gods, understand, united states, united states of america, upstanding, usa, volunteer, volunteer base, walk, well..., whatever, work, worked, yesterday
8:14 AM
8/19/09
My heart’s, my heart’s like a kick drum. Ba bum-bum-bum-bum-bump. I’m exhausted, sore. As the strange army guy we worked with on Monday would say, emotionally starving. Or was it spiritually? Whatever.
I hate it when people think they know you upon meeting you. This man comes up to Brendan, Skylar, James and I at Assembly of God and introduces himself, tells us he was/is a drill sergeant at some military training base. He’s going back to Iraq next month. Now, that’s all well and good and interesting until he asks us what we’re doing after high school. So we tell him, and then he begins rambling about the army and how after an hour talking to his students/trainees/maggots/whatever he can see right through them.
Yes, great. So what do you see in me, Mr. Omniscient? Who exactly do you think you are, you cocky bastard?
Brendan asks him the same thing, albeit much more politely.
“So what do you know about me?”
He doesn’t break stride in informing Brendan that he believes Brendan to be an upstanding guy and dedicated to his community.
Well, obviously, moron. He’s only tired-looking, dirty, and at the volunteer base, sun-tanned and sweaty. However, one might take him for a demonic acid addict with a penchant for axe murdering.
Let’s just say I wasn’t so impressed with Military’s people-reading skills. He started speaking to us– four kids– about God and the military next. About how war is necessary, and if God has a strong-arm, the United States is it.
I can understand and respect the guy’s loyalty, but God is the only one who can judge who deserves to die and who doesn’t. And as Brendan very delicately pointed out, it seems like believing that is like serving two gods.
The Commander in Chief isn’t holy, sorry, buddy.
…….
Now I’m on to another thought process. Just kind of floating along, here. I had to go make the coffee and put my mom’s lunch in the fridge in the back room and now I’m wondering when Brendan will get here, so I’m a little distracted.
I’m so sore. I don’t want to have to walk from the bank to the relocated base at the Moose. I’m all bruised up and scratched. It’s a satisfied battered, but I feel like the hammer I smashed repeatedly into my hand yesterday hit everywhere else, too. And now Brendan’s here. Time to start another day.
Filed under: Dreams, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: "Why that's absurd!", 8:00, a lot, absurd, adoration, adore, at least, balance, boys, brendan, cait, caitlin, car, chance, cheap, chemistry, commitment, confused, considerate, contact, conversation, dead of the night, decent, dedication, devotion, don't know, drop, early, eight, enjoy, expect, expectations, eye strain, fall asleep, feel, find, flight, flighty, forceful, friend, fun, God, good night, good times, growl, guess, happy medium, hesistant, hesistating, hesistation, hope, how, i don't know what i'm talking about, inkling, Irresistible Revolution, issue, jack, kate winslet, keep, kiss, leo dicaprio, life, like, live, looking, love, moment, moments, moron, moving, names, no issue, no sinking, one life, people, perfect, perfect balance, person, pillow, please, pleasing, reason, respect, rose, screw, searching, serious, service, settle, settle down, Shane Claiborne, short, sink, six, six hours, sleep, slut, sluts, solemn, soul strain, sounds, stupid, take the chance, text, texting, texting while sleeping, them, think, thinking, thought, time, titanic, too hard, trapped, understand, up, use, vow, waking, what they think, whatever, with me
I don’t know if there’s a better reason for being up this early other than I can’t fall back to sleep, but I didn’t want to take the chance that there was. It sounds stupid, but I don’t want to miss a thing… I’m reading The Irresistible Revolution right now and Brendan was right, it does change you. Already I am searching hard at my life, looking for ways that God can use me. I have the inkling I’m looking a little too closely, but I’d rather try and look too hard than not at all. Although, isn’t God the one who will find service and drop it in my lap? See, I don’t know. So I’m confused and starting to get eye and soul strain, here.
Oh, and I think I was trying to text in my sleep again. Cait wasn’t here last night to check on me, but I woke up and my phone was next to me instead of shoved back way under my pillow, so I was moving around pretty forcefully, at least.
I love sleep. I don’t want to give up sleeping because I act like a moron and can’t stop from growling out names and trying to contact people in the dead of the night. How absurd.
The word “absurd” makes me think of “Titanic,” and Rose. “Why that’s absurd!”
I wish I had a Jack (preferably one that wouldn’t sink). I think he’d be a lot of fun, and he’d think I was fun too so there would be no issue. He wouldn’t be too hesistant or too much of a whore. He would want to talk to me or screw me in a car, depending on the moment. We’d have a lot of good times. He wouldn’t expect commitment or a solemn vow of dedication and devotion– he would adore me in the moment, just as I would him. He would understand that there was only one life to live and enjoy, and he’d want to spend a few short moments of his with me.
That, to me, is the perfect balance in a guy. Not too flighty, so I think I’m cheap, but not that willing to settle down, either. I don’t want to feel trapped. I don’t want to have to spend every waking moment thinking about one person and how they feel and what they think and how best to please them. I want, for once, for someone to want to please me but not want to commit to anything serious. I thought boys liked to be considerate sluts?
I’m not saying I want someone for a fuck-and-run. I don’t want to spend time with a guy I can’t respect or have a decent conversation with. But there should be some kind of happy medium, an easy chemistry that doesn’t require too much input from either of us. I want a friend who likes to kiss me, I guess. Haha.
Whatever, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m probably not posting this. At least not until eight o’ clock, anyway. I might go back to sleep. God will find me, I hope. Or else I’ll keep searching, just not when I’m on six hours of sleep on a Sunday morning. Good night.
Kick Drum Heart 