Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: accomplish, asylum, back to school, beginning, big nurse, birthday, blur, boobs, by, caitlin, catch, counterproductive, difference, direction, doing, don't, done, downside, downstairs, dream, dumb, excited, flew, fog, forty, friend, give up, giving up, gowanda high school, green, guess, happen, hospital, hours, in between, jennifer grogan, john grogan, last night, life, life flew by, lists, live, love, marley & me, marley and me, medical, mess, mistake, mistakes, morning, my room, need, next thing you know, not going to happen, notion, november, november 9, occurred, one flew over the cuckoo's nest, only, only one, papers, productive, reading cards, ready, school, september, sifting, smidgeon, start, talked, the dream, the end, time, today, twenty, two, two hours, unproductive, vanished, want, wanting, waste, what if?, what the hell?, what-ifs, woke up
I woke up this morning wanting to make lists, wanting to start school, and wanting to get things done. It then occurred to me that I will be completely counterproductive if I have all these grand plans to make things happen but no notion or direction toward how to actually accomplish them.
So today I guess I’ll be sifting through the papers downstairs. I am going to try and finish my reading cards– although I’m not sure how happy I’ll be re-submerging myself in the hazy medical green fog of lobotomies and Big-boobed Nurse. I might try making lists: what I need for school, what I have for school, what I need to do in order to be ready for school, what I should be doing so I don’t suck when I go back to school.
I’m a smidgeon excited.
Here’s the downside, the only one that I can see.
I had a dream last night that life flew by.
I woke up and discovered what the hell, that’s not a dream, really.
In my dream, I texted Caitlin in September, and the next thing I knew, it was her birthday in November. And I hadn’t talked to her in all the time in between. Dumb.
Not going to happen, either.
It reminded me of “Marley & Me.” The dream did: where at the beginning John and Jenny are twenty-ish and by the end they’re in their forties. All that time vanished in the span of two hours. Not even.
What if that happens to me? Life rocketing by so fast that all I catch of it is a blur? What if I waste it? What if I mess it up? What if I can’t fix my mistakes, or leave a friend when they need me, or end up giving up something I love without knowing it?
What if I don’t live life, and never even know the difference?
Filed under: Ranting | Tags: balance, band, basic, belief, believe, busy, Christmas, christmas season, deserve, faith, festive, forms, foundation, God, good, heart, holiday, holy, important, jazz, jesus, job, last, lists, music, national honor society, nhs, officer, percussion, percussion ensemble, piano, play, practice, practicing, sad, shit, singing, steady, stress, stuff, sunday, sunday school, surrender, taylor, teaching, tired, to-do, unofficial secretary of the treasury, vibes, vibraphone, xylophone, yearbook, zealot
Want to see my to-do list? It’s longer than Santa’s right now. I’m working on completing National Honor Society forms as waell as trying to finish up presents, while balancing yearbook and singing and band and percussion ensemble and jazz and play and class officer stuff. (I am now officially the Unofficial Secretary of the Treasury, by the by.)
God, and that doesn’t even cover the God-related stuff I should be doing… such as practicing my basic piano for my Sunday Sschool Finale/sendoff on the twenty-eighth.
It makes my heart hurt to think of it. My last day of teaching Sunday school. I must really be tired, I think I might cry.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that the God aspect of it is important to me. God is important to me. So is faith. With the Christmas– not “holiday– with the Christmas season very, very near it seems important to be up front about that. No, I’m never going to force my religion on you .I am not, as Taylor is fond of accusing, a “zealot.” I’m honestly not even very sure about my own faith, except that I do believe in God– the God– and if I didn’t, I’d be a little less steady than I already am. Aything that gives me a foundation and a balance is a positive factor in my life.
The problem with Sunday School was, I didn’t have enough time to devote to teaching, the kids are all reaching the age where they dislike attending, and I don’t think I know enough, personally, to do a good enough job. I can’t do as good a job as they deserve.
And also, I don’t like to deal with the drama. Old ladies are a bore. I’m sick of it.
But I wonder if I should make one last-gasp attempt to get all of my kids back. Whenever I think “Sunday school” I think of either a metal chair being whipped across the single room, and shouting, or I think of the gilded days filled with sunshine where I’d walk into the church and within six minutes I would have ten kids there and ready to learn. Those were the best days, and I miss them. Maybe I wasn’t nearly as mature then, but they were there, and sometimes they stayed for church. When I had hope that some of my lessons were reaching them, it felt good… would you ever believe that at one point in past summers I daydreamed of entering the ministry?
But now, I can teach them more effectively about breathing techniques and drumming rhythms than I can about the Lord. So, there you have it. I give up.
And I feel like shit about it.
Kick Drum Heart 