Also known as: “I guess I guess I guess”
25 August 2009, 9:55 pm
Filed under:
Dreams,
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"heartbreaker",
"pretty woman",
...,
aerosmith,
after,
anxious,
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belting,
black,
blasting,
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trundle,
unhealthy,
upstairs,
whatever,
will power,
willpower,
WritingHere I am again; crap.
I didn’t do anything I’d planned on doing. Instead I went down to find dad in the garage, and we “jammed” while Michelle and Tara were swimming. He’s so difficult to collaborate with sometimes, without John keeping him on track. “Can we take it from the beginning?” and he keeps playing. “Can we play a song I know?” and he keeps playing.
Whatever, though. I came back upstairs after the second attempt at “Pretty Woman” and jealously played Guitar Hero Aerosmith for a while.
And here I am now, fingers skittering anxiously across the black keys, hoping for some kind of relief or peace from the thoughts and energy and nerves that keep nagging me.
Tomorrow, I’m not going to care. I guess Mitt can make all the excuses she likes about me. I need some singing, some real singing. It’s not that “Helter Skelter” and “Heartbreaker” aren’t real, but opera is so much healthier. And, oddly enough, feels more powerful at times than the blasting-belting-breaktheglass I tend to do.
So, I guess I’m done here. I’m just restless, I guess. Itchy for something to happen. I want to be busy again. Practicing on my own and writing on my own and doing projects on my own are altogether separate from doing things because of a deadline. Because I need to. Quite obviously I still need to get them done, I just don’t have a present and looming driving force right now. (My willpower hardly counts as present, or looming.)
I suppose I’ll trundle off to bed here shortly.
It’s goodnight for now.
Unless I sleepwalk myself up here in the middle of the night. And you never know about those things, either. My subconcious makes me text and talk in my sleep, maybe sleep-blogging will be next.
See you tomorrow.
…Maybe.
Food (or lack thereof)
26 January 2009, 10:27 pm
Filed under:
My Day,
My Explanations | Tags:
ability,
accustom,
accustomed,
away,
awful,
bacon,
bagel,
bar,
bars,
better,
blt,
body,
bottle,
busy,
can't,
cannot,
carry,
cheese,
college,
colon,
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cream cheese,
day,
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disorder,
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dizziness,
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eat,
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everything,
everything bagel,
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t ho's,
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tim horton's,
timmy ho's,
tomato,
unhealthy,
warm,
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washed,
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weaker,
weakling,
week,
weeks,
weight,
without,
wonderfully,
youngHere’s to wishing I could redo everything today from post-basement romp to now. I wish I wouldn’t have eaten anything; I wish I would have brought a hairbrush.
I just started feeling awful. I don’t have an eating disorder. That’s ridiculous, especially for me. (Come on, look at me. Seriously>) But I’ve just been so busy, eating often and healthily has had to take second fiddle to the many priorities already swirling around me.
So after eating only two granola bars, a bottle of Special K protein water, and two cups of coffee, a Tim Horton’s BLT, bagel, and cappuccino didn’t really sit so wonderfully in my stomach. I felt like puking and I had some awful cramps. After getting home and showering I felt better. The warm water washed away most of the uncomfortable, painful sensations. My mother said the same thing happened to her, when she was “young, and seriously stupid.” She ended up having to rush to the emergency room when she was in college because she only ate a little bit throughout the day and then a large meal later on. Her body wasn’t accustomed to it. Her diagnosis: an “irritated colon.”
It’s irritated, all right. My body is irritated with me. Sure, I’ve lost a few pounds over the past few weeks. But it hasn’t helped me in the health department, and I need to start eating better. I’ve gotten thinner, but I’ve gotten weaker. Without nutrition, I can’t function properly. It’s yet another added workload of thinking and planning, but I guess healthy food is going to have to be added to my priority list. I really felt like shit today, and I don’t want it to happen again. I’m too busy, too dedicated to so many things, to have to worry about a sudden bout of dizziness or the inability to carry something heavy without my legs shaking.
A December resolution
26 December 2008, 9:34 pm
Filed under:
Events,
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at least,
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bones,
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december 26,
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who knows?,
who will?,
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years,
yellow labI went with Katie, Michelle, and Mom to see “Marley and Me” in theatres today.
I cried.
It’s the story of a yellow lab whose eating habits and boisterous personality drive the Grogan family to insanity and to laughter in turns. I loved it. The dog is so sweet and innocent. And loves his family unconditionally, as good dogs do. It was a touching and poignant story and I was fully prepared to brutally knee the jerk that called it “cheesy” in the balls, but that would have meant charging over to him with the tears still wet on my face and mascara smeared down the side of my head. I looked a little torn up. We all did. The movie evoked almost every human emotion available and left me feeling like a used dishrag.
The entire time, I couldn’t stop thinking of our own yellow labrador, Potter, and how loyal and loving she’s been even though our family is one that’s constantly in motion and only home long enough (as a rule) to let the dogs out to use the bathroom. It made me want to race home and hug each of my dogs– all of whom I’ve seen grow from little puppies into mature dogs, even if Grizz still doesn’t know the difference between “speak” and “shut up, you crazy beast”– they both mean the same thing to him.
I also came face-to-face with the fact that life isn’t nearly long enough. As much as it terrifies me, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t just sit back and let things happen. I’ve got to take the initiative. If I don’t, who will? As I mentioned to Katie, I’ll end up fifty years old and sitting in my giant house with only echoes for company. I refuse to let that happen! I don’t know what my long-term plans in life are. I might just want a sexy European lover and a hectic life as a phenomenal vocalist. Or, I could pick an simple life with a country home, five kids, a loving husband, and a giant attack-mutt, educating the local schoolchildren in music theory.
Or, hey, I could end up with the giant dog, founding schools in third-world countries with a sexy European husband and four kids.
Who knows?
But see, now, short-term plans are less complicated. I can figure out what I want from life in the here and now, and get it. Or at least try.
Although, I’m ashamed to admit, the thought of failure has me terrified past my trembling knees and down into my very blood.
I’ve got to work past the fear. I don’t want to be that white-haired lady alone and unsatisfied. Even if I fail at everything I attempt to make happen, that will be my life, and I will have experiences to fill the timeline when I look back on it.
My resolve and willpower will carry me beyond my shaking bones and into a future filled with little goals accomplished and big ones tackled.
Kick Drum Heart 