Filed under: Dreams, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: "Why that's absurd!", 8:00, a lot, absurd, adoration, adore, at least, balance, boys, brendan, cait, caitlin, car, chance, cheap, chemistry, commitment, confused, considerate, contact, conversation, dead of the night, decent, dedication, devotion, don't know, drop, early, eight, enjoy, expect, expectations, eye strain, fall asleep, feel, find, flight, flighty, forceful, friend, fun, God, good night, good times, growl, guess, happy medium, hesistant, hesistating, hesistation, hope, how, i don't know what i'm talking about, inkling, Irresistible Revolution, issue, jack, kate winslet, keep, kiss, leo dicaprio, life, like, live, looking, love, moment, moments, moron, moving, names, no issue, no sinking, one life, people, perfect, perfect balance, person, pillow, please, pleasing, reason, respect, rose, screw, searching, serious, service, settle, settle down, Shane Claiborne, short, sink, six, six hours, sleep, slut, sluts, solemn, soul strain, sounds, stupid, take the chance, text, texting, texting while sleeping, them, think, thinking, thought, time, titanic, too hard, trapped, understand, up, use, vow, waking, what they think, whatever, with me
I don’t know if there’s a better reason for being up this early other than I can’t fall back to sleep, but I didn’t want to take the chance that there was. It sounds stupid, but I don’t want to miss a thing… I’m reading The Irresistible Revolution right now and Brendan was right, it does change you. Already I am searching hard at my life, looking for ways that God can use me. I have the inkling I’m looking a little too closely, but I’d rather try and look too hard than not at all. Although, isn’t God the one who will find service and drop it in my lap? See, I don’t know. So I’m confused and starting to get eye and soul strain, here.
Oh, and I think I was trying to text in my sleep again. Cait wasn’t here last night to check on me, but I woke up and my phone was next to me instead of shoved back way under my pillow, so I was moving around pretty forcefully, at least.
I love sleep. I don’t want to give up sleeping because I act like a moron and can’t stop from growling out names and trying to contact people in the dead of the night. How absurd.
The word “absurd” makes me think of “Titanic,” and Rose. “Why that’s absurd!”
I wish I had a Jack (preferably one that wouldn’t sink). I think he’d be a lot of fun, and he’d think I was fun too so there would be no issue. He wouldn’t be too hesistant or too much of a whore. He would want to talk to me or screw me in a car, depending on the moment. We’d have a lot of good times. He wouldn’t expect commitment or a solemn vow of dedication and devotion– he would adore me in the moment, just as I would him. He would understand that there was only one life to live and enjoy, and he’d want to spend a few short moments of his with me.
That, to me, is the perfect balance in a guy. Not too flighty, so I think I’m cheap, but not that willing to settle down, either. I don’t want to feel trapped. I don’t want to have to spend every waking moment thinking about one person and how they feel and what they think and how best to please them. I want, for once, for someone to want to please me but not want to commit to anything serious. I thought boys liked to be considerate sluts?
I’m not saying I want someone for a fuck-and-run. I don’t want to spend time with a guy I can’t respect or have a decent conversation with. But there should be some kind of happy medium, an easy chemistry that doesn’t require too much input from either of us. I want a friend who likes to kiss me, I guess. Haha.
Whatever, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m probably not posting this. At least not until eight o’ clock, anyway. I might go back to sleep. God will find me, I hope. Or else I’ll keep searching, just not when I’m on six hours of sleep on a Sunday morning. Good night.
Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations | Tags: at least, boisterous, bones, book, carry, conclusions, cried, cry, december 26, dog, easy, everything, experience, experiences, fact, fail, family, fifty, giant, goal, goals, grizz, grogan, home, husband, initiative, innocent, jennifer grogan, john grogan, katie, knees, lab, labrador retriever, life, long-term, love, marley, marley & me, marley and me, mascara, me, michelle, molley, molley grace, mom, movie, music, mutt, new year's, personality, plan, plans, poignant, potter, resolution, scared, school, sexy, shaking, story, sweet, teach, teaching, tears, terrified, terror, theater, touching, try, unconditional, unsatisfied, vocalist, who knows?, who will?, willpower, years, yellow lab
I went with Katie, Michelle, and Mom to see “Marley and Me” in theatres today.
I cried.
It’s the story of a yellow lab whose eating habits and boisterous personality drive the Grogan family to insanity and to laughter in turns. I loved it. The dog is so sweet and innocent. And loves his family unconditionally, as good dogs do. It was a touching and poignant story and I was fully prepared to brutally knee the jerk that called it “cheesy” in the balls, but that would have meant charging over to him with the tears still wet on my face and mascara smeared down the side of my head. I looked a little torn up. We all did. The movie evoked almost every human emotion available and left me feeling like a used dishrag.
The entire time, I couldn’t stop thinking of our own yellow labrador, Potter, and how loyal and loving she’s been even though our family is one that’s constantly in motion and only home long enough (as a rule) to let the dogs out to use the bathroom. It made me want to race home and hug each of my dogs– all of whom I’ve seen grow from little puppies into mature dogs, even if Grizz still doesn’t know the difference between “speak” and “shut up, you crazy beast”– they both mean the same thing to him.
I also came face-to-face with the fact that life isn’t nearly long enough. As much as it terrifies me, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t just sit back and let things happen. I’ve got to take the initiative. If I don’t, who will? As I mentioned to Katie, I’ll end up fifty years old and sitting in my giant house with only echoes for company. I refuse to let that happen! I don’t know what my long-term plans in life are. I might just want a sexy European lover and a hectic life as a phenomenal vocalist. Or, I could pick an simple life with a country home, five kids, a loving husband, and a giant attack-mutt, educating the local schoolchildren in music theory.
Or, hey, I could end up with the giant dog, founding schools in third-world countries with a sexy European husband and four kids.
Who knows?
But see, now, short-term plans are less complicated. I can figure out what I want from life in the here and now, and get it. Or at least try.
Although, I’m ashamed to admit, the thought of failure has me terrified past my trembling knees and down into my very blood.
I’ve got to work past the fear. I don’t want to be that white-haired lady alone and unsatisfied. Even if I fail at everything I attempt to make happen, that will be my life, and I will have experiences to fill the timeline when I look back on it.
My resolve and willpower will carry me beyond my shaking bones and into a future filled with little goals accomplished and big ones tackled.
Kick Drum Heart 