Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts, travel, Writing | Tags: alcohol, cancun, confessions, cousins, cute, day, drunk, evening, fear, gay, homosexual, lives, mexico, night, quote, rosa parks, travel, underground railroad, whatever
I just updated all of my writing from Mexico; I’d dragged a notebook down there with me and penned away during free time or down time. The one entry I never finished, ha.
Here’s a silly tidbit that I’d scribbled in a margin, from day two or three. I was probably laying in the fishnet-woven hammock on the verandah at the time:
“She wouldn’t give up her seat on the Underground Railroad” — talking about Rosa Parks. Some drunk gay guy
Cute, huh? I know I cracked up. And he said it in such an obviously queer tone of voice, it was hysterical. Nothing against gays or anything: it was just a quirky little detail to an outrageously inebriated comment.
Well, that’s all for tonight.
There’s more I could write, about cousins, and lives and fear and confessions. But I won’t, because. Just because I don’t know if I’m ready to. But there we are, all of my thoughts from Cancun, just read below. Have a great night/evening/day/whatever time it is that whoever reads this, reads this.
Filed under: college, Events, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, travel, Writing | Tags: beach, burrs, cancun, conversation, eastman, evening, family, friends, mexico, miserable, myself, nickolas, parents, roar, sand, sigh, slap, solid, syracuse
The Hammock on the Verandah Thing
I don’t know what time it is; past 8 or 9, PM
Gran Caribe Real Hotel
Cancun, Mexico
It’s too nice out to stay inside. Even without the sun, it’s comfortably warm and not so humid that it’s unpleasant. It’s quiet right now, although Michelle plans to try and get us all drunk later. She and my parents, and the Burrs (minus Nickolas) are up at the VIP Lounge. Despite the fact that the computers are all in Spanish, they’re going to try and figure out the score of the Sabres’ game.
I would write more about the pretty weather or the cranky Mexicans who hate their jobs, or the tan I’m actually beginning to obtain (with the help of El Sol and SPF 90). But honestly, I’m a terrible Travel Journal-Keeper and have more on my mind than heat or relaxing in Cancun.
Fun Fact/Side Note: Soundtrack of the Momemt? Roar/slap/sigh of beautiful, powerful waves. Aaaand the drunken catcalls of tourists: “Sexaay ladaay!” in a Mexican accent. So cute. Tierna.
But. Back to, I have a lot on my mind.
I don’t feel like Myself. I haven;t really, since (and I am aware this sounds like whining) this school year began and played out so much differently than I’d expected it to.
This summer, I became someone I liked, someone I enjoyed being. And since senior year started, there have been huge gaping chunks of time where I haven’t been that person at all.
Like now, for instance. For the past few weeks I’ve been strangely detached and incapable of socializing similarly to my usual standard. And before that time, I’d been flat-out miserable.
Now that spring is coming (here in the North and here it’s like late summer), I’ve been wanted Myself back more and more. But there are minds making impressions of me. There are expectations to live up to.
Syracuse or Eastman, Syracuse or Eastman? What to say, what to do?
Who the hell am I?
I’m not as solid as Nick is, in terms of possessing and really owning up to one’s own identity. But we shared a conversation as the fire-opal waves swelled and broke on the beach. This is the second night in a row we’ve just sat out there in the dark. He looks out at the waves, at the sky, down the beach. I absorb the sensations of sea breeze and sand between my toes. We mostly just be. Sit, and talk, and be.
Last night it was John Jarzynski. Tonight it was parasailing, Dan Ratel, school, teaching, and our futures.
Tonight I told the first person my official college plans (as of right now, there are some things I am waiting on).
Tonight, Nick and I discussed and concluded. It’s always good to listen, to drink in opinions. To have an “open ear,” as he said. But (and these are my words), make your own goddamn choices. Sorry, but hell. I love my friends, family, mentors, but shit. I answer to Myself (whoever that is) and God. I might now be an independent adult, but I’m not a hermit, not a recluse.
It’s time to grow up. And it’s going to be hard, but only as hard as I make it.
Speaking for Myself, I’m ready to.
Filed under: Poetry | Tags: been, black, cold, could have, death, deja vu, dusk, evening, fate, i'll never, last, life, meant to be, memory, never, night, poems, Poetry, pointless, ride, said, say, should have, summer, tried, try, white, would have
I’ll never say
“that could have been”
When dusk is close and
lights are dim
The air smells sweet on
summer nights, but
Memory tastes cold,
all right
I’ll never say
“that might have been”
When early morning
songs chime in
The air brings high bright
melody, but
Time is wasted if
you ask me
I’ll never say
“that should have been”
When late sun’s deja
vu sets in
Seared rays gleam
past actions glow, but
Sadness lasts if
you must know
I’ll never say
“I should have tried”
When I sit in on
life’s last ride, the
White of Death, or black
maybe seems pointless
since it’s
meant
to be
Filed under: Dreams, Events, music, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: amazing, anyway, classy, crap, dance, dress, earrings, evening, fun, fun glasses, girl, glittery, gowanda high school, gown, grandma, grandma's house, happy, headache, heels, hollywood, important, katherine heigl, lips, look, marilyn monroe, marvelous, mind, minute, multi-colored, nails, red, rose, second, senior ball, senior dinner dance, shallow, shoes, simply, sparkle, sparkly, spectacles, superficial, today, tonight, wench
Here I sit, sipping cold hot chocolate and nibbling leftover homemade popcorn (no butter, no salt, but somehow, still amazing). I still need to finish up (or start) that stupid IDOC thing– yeah, ’cause I know how to do that. (I don’t.) But other than that, and a mild headache, today is marvelous. I’m at Grandma’s, all by my lonesome, and it’s amazing. It’s different to be away from home by myself, even if it is for a night and a day. I might even get to drive myself home from Forestville later today, after my hair appointment.
That brings me to the topic of Senior Ball. Senior dinner dance, senior catillion. Who cares what it’s called anyway. The dumb thing will be interesting, anyway. I’m looking at it through what one might call the “fun glasses”– spectacles that are restraining me from seeing all of the worries I’ve got. This is probably my last dance ever. I don’t know if I’ll get to dance with more than one person, and that upsets me. But no. No worries, not right now. I was in such a good mood twenty seconds ago, until I started dwelling on stupid crap that I didn’t exactly type out, but I dwelled all the same. I have to put those fun specs back on, those multi-colored, glittery faceted glasses. I’m going to have someone play with my hair for two hours, in three. That’s fun. I’m going to look freaking amazing tonight, I can feel it. That’s fun, too.
* To risk being too much of a girl, I’m actually really excited for what I’m going to look like tonight. It’s so extremely shallow, but I rarely feel like a bombshell, so I’m not too distraught. I’m not going to turn into some appearance-crazed wench. But I’ve got this red dress, floor length with no sleeves. A crystalline piece at the center of the bust and matching sparkly earrings and bracelets. My red five-inch heels are half a shade away from my dress’s low, shimmering rose, but no one’s going to look that closely so, to my mind, they match. Muted red nails and (possibly) red lips with simple old-timey Hollywood makeup will accent the Marilyn Monroe/Katherine Heigl waves that my hair will hopefully have. For a last official dance, this is most definitely the look I want to have. The look I will have.
And that’s all that’s important about dressing up, for now, anyway. But it’s going to be classy, and I’m happy for that. What’s most important is that no one can take this evening– this only-happens-once evening– away from me. That applies to every second, while I’m thinking about it. I forget that a lot. That if I don’t make the most of and live through every minute the best that I can, they’ll be gone, and then, so will I.
But I remember it now, and so, here I am. Determined to keep the happy here with me, every minute.
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts | Tags: advertise, advertisement, advertising, again, blog, blogging, Blogs, bog, bogged, bogged down, brilliance, certainly, check it out, cheese, constant, controversial, controversy, creep-ass, creep-asses, day, death, distract, distracting, distraction, do not, don't, down, enjoy, evening, eventually, excited, far, form, fun, garlic, getting my mind off of things, girl, go, going, going out, grinding, head, heavy, hedgehog, highly, homemade, hope, house, idea, ideas, issue, issues, katie, keep, leave, magnificence, magnificent, many, mind, mine, need, new, one, pizza, pizza-baking, play, play out, pressing, proud, public, reading, regret, regrets, relief, reo speedwagon, reservations, revamp, revamped, sauce, shake, shake it off, shakin' it loose, show, sick, so far, someone, sonic, sonic the hedgehog, start, straight, stress, stress relief, take, talk, thediamondrough.wordpress.com, therapeutic, therapy, thinking, thoughts, today, trank, trippy, unrelenting, whir, whirring, will, without, working, you know
…that’s what Katie’s saying about Sonic the Hedgehog right now, anyhow.
What a day it’s been. My head is still working, grinding out new thoughts and ideas that I can’t really keep straight. Katie’s done a lot to help me with them, though. If you ever need someone to talk to (not that I’m advertising her to creep-asses) she’s your girl.
She’s going to start blogging again, too. I showed her how I revamped mine (I was so proud, haha) and now she’s excited. I am, too. Her brilliance should be make public for sure.
It’s magnificence can be located here. Anyone who’s reading this is highly advised to check it out :)
After Trank leaves today, I’m going to go have some fun. A form of stress relief, if you will. Today’s been filled with many pressing issues and I’m just sick to death of having my mind whirring away at me. So, I’m going out (but eventually into a house) and I’m going to enjoy an evening without reservations and without regrets. Therapeutic pizza-baking can only take one so far, you know.
At least, that’s how I hope the evening is going to play out. I’m just so bogged down with new and controversial ideas. I need to shake it off. It’s not that I mind thinking: I certainly don’t. But when it’s constant and unrelenting and heavy, that’s when I start to think I need a distraction.
Here’s to getting my mind off of things. Cheers.
Kick Drum Heart 