Kick Drum Heart


For Aida and Amneris
29 January 2009, 7:54 pm
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I was just listening to “Written in the Stars,” from “AIDA.”

I got chills and felt like crying. The music. The characters. The loss of the part I thought I was perfect for, the discovery of my true talents, plus actually performing the show. All of these made it a life-changing experience for me.

It’s funny that it all hits me now, months and months afterward.

I originally received a copy of the Broadway cast recording in February 2008. I was just recovering from my first “real” breakup from a “serious” relationship, and the music helped me regain some sense of power, control, individuality and self-possession. It also allowed me to regain my dignity.

Later that year, I “hung out” with the same guy, and when he acted like a dickhead, I put up with it, then went home and listened to Heather Headley pour Aida’s soul into my ears, and into my heart. The character is so powerful– a strong woman, a queen. Very headstrong and opinionated, but she fell in love. As star-crossed as they were, they found happiness together.

It really sucks being a headstrong, opinionated, hopeless romantic. Despite the bullshit I had waded thigh-high into in my actual life, I could listen to “Elaborate Lives” and feel Radames’ and Aida’s love wash over me. Sometimes those songs made me think that my own relationships could be so sweet. Ha, at that point in time, I was really, really naive. But that’s not the point.

When auditions rolled around, I was dead-set on getting Aida. I felt like I KNEW her, I wanted to be her. I knew I could convey the passion I felt for her situation on stage. In my mind I saw Observer headlines, envisioned Heather Headley and Elton John sojourning to Gowanda. I vividly pictured a stage decked out in Egyptian finery, with myself in the center, belting out the injustice of slavery and the guilt I felt for endangering my people.

One of my best friends got the part.

I was shunted (in my mind) to the role of Amneris, the Egyptian princess head-over-heels for fashion and for her fiance Radames. Amneris is really shunted in the musical– Radames would rather be with Aida. Amneris undergoes a one-eighty degree turnaround from light-hearted and air-headed diva to heartbroken, powerful ruler.

I fell in love with Amneris’ character, too. It was unexpected, and it was a smaller role. But I had a million and one costume changes, some phenomenal singing and acting coaching…

And when I sang, when I stood in the middle of the stage with tears wet on my face and sang about love and loss, worthlessness, waste and a shattered heart, I felt Amneris. Her story became a part of me, as much as my eyes or my fingernails. It’s generally observed that Aida was the strong one. And she was strong.

But Amneris was strong, too. Immeasurably so. She withstood her pain, overcame it, survived. And made her life a success. Maybe she knew love later, maybe she never did. But she made her country a better place and she held a life lesson in her heart for the rest of her life.

“Aida,” and the life lessons that accompanied the show (from February to November to now) will stay with me for the rest of my life. When I’m eighteen or eighty with my own lover or sixteen cats, I will remember “Aida” as the most moving show I have ever performed in high school; I will remember it for its powerful and inspirational leads. I will remember it because Aida and Amneris represent both sides of love, and of life. And since I intend to love, and live, they represent me.



The beauty of not sliding into an icy abyss

10something AM   1/28/09  The Bus

I hate winter. I really do. I would gladly substitute snow for five months of sweltering heat.

But today, as I walked down my icy driveway to meet the bus, I was awed by God’s creativity, at his creations.

Beauty surrounded me. I don’t think I have the ability to select the choicest words to describe it.

Snow piled up soundlessly around (and on) me.  The locust and spruce trees sat stoically on the front lawn and allowed themselves to be frosted by a delicate sheet of white.

The tranquility and silence after a morning of waiting and loud, beat-laden melodies was a welcome, gently settled blanket of peace.

It isn’t often I am alone. I can feel lonely, or sit by myself, but there is always someone with me physically, or checking up on me, or on my  mind.

Christ Jesus and Mary. The bus almost slid into a ravine. There was no guard rail. We’re fine though. The busdriver and I. We’re fine.

Back to the snow-glazed wonderland I just stood within– it was nothing like what I just experienced. No thumping heart, racing pulse, or sharp incision of fear. No fervent thoughts like, “let’s just not go this way” or “um, there is no protective rail there.” No nerve-wracking skid or slow creep backwards in an enormous deathtrap of a vehicle.

For a few short moments this morning, I stood immersed in stillness. I wasn’t doused in frigid wind or plunged into icy deepfreeze. The natural scene placed before me sank into my skin and immersed me in love and admiration for the beauty of it all.

I walked down a driveway, and drank in the peace.



If music be the food of love, sing on

All county auditions are tomorrow. I guess, according to Robin, NYSSSA auditions are, too, because she thought I was doing one.. and I’m not. Ha ha. I wish I was. I wish I could.

But all county will be fun, and colleges won’t care if I don’t get into NYSSSA or whatever, they’re going to look and see my audition scores and NYSSMA adjudication sheets… at least, I hope so.

I am going to go practice the xylophone in my room as soon as I warm up. The dogs decided to chill  (quite literally) in the woods somewhere for a few hours and mom and I were out calling for them. Then my student’s mother came and paid me, and we stood chatting in the driveway for a long while. It’s pretty cold outside.

Now I am going to practice, before nerves make me throw up. Hopefully auditions and the play tomorrow go well. Deep breaths, deep breaths, and cross your fingers.