Filed under: Dreams, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: "Why that's absurd!", 8:00, a lot, absurd, adoration, adore, at least, balance, boys, brendan, cait, caitlin, car, chance, cheap, chemistry, commitment, confused, considerate, contact, conversation, dead of the night, decent, dedication, devotion, don't know, drop, early, eight, enjoy, expect, expectations, eye strain, fall asleep, feel, find, flight, flighty, forceful, friend, fun, God, good night, good times, growl, guess, happy medium, hesistant, hesistating, hesistation, hope, how, i don't know what i'm talking about, inkling, Irresistible Revolution, issue, jack, kate winslet, keep, kiss, leo dicaprio, life, like, live, looking, love, moment, moments, moron, moving, names, no issue, no sinking, one life, people, perfect, perfect balance, person, pillow, please, pleasing, reason, respect, rose, screw, searching, serious, service, settle, settle down, Shane Claiborne, short, sink, six, six hours, sleep, slut, sluts, solemn, soul strain, sounds, stupid, take the chance, text, texting, texting while sleeping, them, think, thinking, thought, time, titanic, too hard, trapped, understand, up, use, vow, waking, what they think, whatever, with me
I don’t know if there’s a better reason for being up this early other than I can’t fall back to sleep, but I didn’t want to take the chance that there was. It sounds stupid, but I don’t want to miss a thing… I’m reading The Irresistible Revolution right now and Brendan was right, it does change you. Already I am searching hard at my life, looking for ways that God can use me. I have the inkling I’m looking a little too closely, but I’d rather try and look too hard than not at all. Although, isn’t God the one who will find service and drop it in my lap? See, I don’t know. So I’m confused and starting to get eye and soul strain, here.
Oh, and I think I was trying to text in my sleep again. Cait wasn’t here last night to check on me, but I woke up and my phone was next to me instead of shoved back way under my pillow, so I was moving around pretty forcefully, at least.
I love sleep. I don’t want to give up sleeping because I act like a moron and can’t stop from growling out names and trying to contact people in the dead of the night. How absurd.
The word “absurd” makes me think of “Titanic,” and Rose. “Why that’s absurd!”
I wish I had a Jack (preferably one that wouldn’t sink). I think he’d be a lot of fun, and he’d think I was fun too so there would be no issue. He wouldn’t be too hesistant or too much of a whore. He would want to talk to me or screw me in a car, depending on the moment. We’d have a lot of good times. He wouldn’t expect commitment or a solemn vow of dedication and devotion– he would adore me in the moment, just as I would him. He would understand that there was only one life to live and enjoy, and he’d want to spend a few short moments of his with me.
That, to me, is the perfect balance in a guy. Not too flighty, so I think I’m cheap, but not that willing to settle down, either. I don’t want to feel trapped. I don’t want to have to spend every waking moment thinking about one person and how they feel and what they think and how best to please them. I want, for once, for someone to want to please me but not want to commit to anything serious. I thought boys liked to be considerate sluts?
I’m not saying I want someone for a fuck-and-run. I don’t want to spend time with a guy I can’t respect or have a decent conversation with. But there should be some kind of happy medium, an easy chemistry that doesn’t require too much input from either of us. I want a friend who likes to kiss me, I guess. Haha.
Whatever, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m probably not posting this. At least not until eight o’ clock, anyway. I might go back to sleep. God will find me, I hope. Or else I’ll keep searching, just not when I’m on six hours of sleep on a Sunday morning. Good night.
Filed under: Events, music, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: acoustic, acoustic guitar, advanced art, all state, all state solos, along, always, Andy McKee, ap, ap test, ap us history, art, audition, auditioning, away, bambi, baseball, baseball game, boys, can't, chem, chemistry, class, compelled, could, damn it, date, do or die, drift, drifting, drowning, dumb, essay, everyone, exhausted, exnay, explain, fail, feel, float, fond, fricken awesome, grade, guitar, ha ha, happening, have to, hello dolly!, history test, hollywood happening, hollywood theatre, home, importance, important, keep from drowning, keep going, kicker, legit, legitimately, let, level 6, level six, McKee, mention, move, muscles, music, musical, new, nice weather, nyssma, nyssma solo festival, nyssma solofest, out of it, percussion, percussive, pictures, puccini, pushing myself, relax, right now, rimsky-korsakov, shit, shit to do, song, stay home, strain, strains, stress, stressed, stressful, study, sweep, sweet, sweetness, tide, time passes, tired, treading water, try out, tryout, tryouts, twitterpate, twitterpated, unfortunate, until, up, varsity panthers baseball, vocal, voice, want, water, weather, wednesday, weekend, what's new?, why?, wish, wordpress, xylo, xylophone, yearbook
I wish I could do that right now. Just drift, float along the strains and percussive sweetness of Andy McKee’s fricken awesome song. But I can’t. Even though I feel stressed and out of it and tired, and like I’m just treading water until time passes, I can’t relax and let the tide sweep me away. I have to keep going, pushing myself and my muscles to move, to keep me from drowning.
I have sooo much shit to do. What’s new, right? But this time, it’s do or die. If I don’t bring my chem grade up, I am legitimately, for the first time in my life, going to fail a course. And I really want to get into Advanced Art. AND musical tryouts are coming up, and NYSSMA solofest is the weekend of the Hollywood Happening, and I am auditioning on level 6 All State solos for xylo and voice. And the kicker? I have an AP US History test this Wednesday, and hardly any time to study for it. Except right now. Ha ha. I have to go to a baseball game and take pictures shortly, also. Maybe I’ll beg off to stay home and study, but then mom would be confused and I’d have to explain the date and importance of that dumb AP test.
Oh, and did I mention boys? Always at the busiest times in my life I start to get exceptionally fond of them, and then I get even more strained. I think it’s the nice weather, everyone’s twitterpated. Ha, I love Bambi. :) But yeah. So, stress. Now I’m being compelled off of wordpress and toward my Advanced Art essay. Damn it, why can’t I just drift away?
Kick Drum Heart 