Filed under: Dreams, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: 2:08, basketball, blog, bus, done, fantastic, go, ha, home, house, laze, leg, lines, mrs. propp, nothing, Olympia, play, purple, realize, rehearsal, salad, seat, shoelaces, shot, sit, tonight, twelve, two oh eight, yearbook, yellow
So, I got on the bus today. Right at two oh eight. And upon sitting down in a seat, I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could get done at home. I’d be lazing around the house for four hours, accomplishing nothing. And eating.
So, I stood back up and walked off the bus. And back into school.
So, here I am, seated at Mrs. Propp’s computer, blogging and yearbooking and thinking about food.
I really want an Olympia salad. That would be fantastic.
Anyway. There’s a basketball game tonight, at home. I really want to go, but I have play rehearsal.
Come on, it’s not like I do anything at play, anyway. Until I know all of my (twelve) lines, there’s not really much I can do but observe where I move. And how to jump when my leg gets shot. Ha.
I’d need blue clothes, anyway. Maybe my mother will come to the game and bring me some. And some of Olympia’s salad.
On another note, I got a hug today. I passed this kid that I think I like walking in the hallway during twelfth. He said, “Hey, you,” and I honestly almost turned around to see who he was talking to. But it was me, ha ha. So I gave him a hug and he mumbled at me politely and then we went our separate ways.
I think I make him nervous. I know I make him awkward.
Whatever, though. I’d like a guy I can talk to about anything, who argues with me, and who knows when and what I’m feeling. I’d like a guy who doesn’t expect me to be experienced in everything sexual. I’d like a guy who can text me and have more to talk to me about than sex.
But for now, well. I guess I’ll settle with the one I have in mind now. The one with silly shoelaces and flippy hair who I never see to talk to. The one everyone says is so sweet. The one that doesn’t make any sense for me to be crushing on.
Yep, I think I’ll stick with him, regardless of the senselessness. As Katie is fond of quoting, “It’s not the years in your life, but the life in your years.” And my years have been pathetically lacking in life lately.
Filed under: Dreams, Events, music, My Day, My Explanations | Tags: accomplished, afternoon, alive, ass, audition, bad, because, blessed, blog, broken, call, cheerleader, cheerleads, choir, chorus, conference, conference all state, conversation, creative writing, dammit, damper, day, days, dedication, difficult, each minute, ecstatic, eight, emma, enthusiasm, every time, everyone, excited, exhausted, exist, experience, feel, five, football, for sure, franklinville, game, good, great, guitar hero aerosmith, hard, hard work, heather, heather holden, here i come, high school, hopefully, hour, hours, indication, jcc, kiener, last first, lerew, life, live, long, magnificent, mail, material, measure, michelle, moment, moving, mr. lerew, mrs. ripley, musetta's waltz, night, nothing, nyssma, offer, one, one hundred, passion, practice, productive, proud, puccini, quando m'en vo, quench, ready, ripley, school, senior year, service, singing, some, sop 1, soprano one, system, texted, thirst, tired, today, tomorrow, tonight, vehicle, voice, watch out, whammy, why?, women's choir, working, world
It’s been a long day, even though I don’t know why, really. I beat Guitar Hero Aerosmith on Hard, so I felt accomplished.
The broken whammy bar started working after what might be considered one of the most magnificent hours of my life.
Today, I received a packet of papers in the mail. Within those papers, I was informed that I’ve been accepted into the Conference All-State Women’s Choir.
Soprano One, son.
I texted Emma.
Emma and Kiener called me. Emma told me she was calling Lerew.
I called Mrs. Ripley. Mrs. Ripley was ecstatic. Mrs. Ripley says she’s going to tell everyone she knows.
I texted Heather. By then it was eight at night and I was on the way to Franklinville for my sister’s football game (she cheerleads) and I didn’t want to hold conversation across spotty service areas in a moving vehicle. Hopefully she’ll call me back when it’s good for her, and if I don’t hear from her by tomorrow afternoon, I’m calling for sure. I’m so excited.
Nothing could put a damper on that news, except I’m tired. I’m just downright exhausted, so my enthusiasm is going to be shelved until tomorrow. I’ll siphon it back into my system then and do something really productive. Earlier today I decorated and established my JCC and creative writing binders, and got the rest of my materials ready and in my bag for school. As of tonight, there are only five more full days before my last first day of high school.
I just want to live it. I feel like I say this every time I blog, but dammit, I want to feel and exist in every single moment I’m blessed with. I want to feel alive, I want to experience everything good this world has to offer. And some of the bad, because otherwise there’s nothing to measure the great against.
If today was any indication of where hard work and practice and dedication and passion can get me, though, I don’t think I’ll have too difficult a time living each minute of my senior year. I worked my ass off for that one hundred on the audition paper. Puccini might have been proud of me, even.
So. Conference All State, here I come. And everything else. Watch out. I have a craving, a burning thirst for life. I plan to quench it.
Filed under: Dreams, My Day, Ranting | Tags: another, ash, because, both, buzz, cigarette, cigarettes, cigg, ciggs, clammy, cough, cranky, dad, day, dozens, dream, emotion, emotional, endearingly, equivalent, first, fool, foolish, fools, fully aware, grey, head, health, health problems, heart, hell, hurt, hurts, inhale, irritable, kid, know, last night, life, lighter, lit, little kid, lung, lungs, marlboro, meaningless, michelle, mom, morning, mother, myself, nerves, newport, no, nothing, one, only, parents, pleasant, pro, problems, promise, regardless, remember, scream, screaming, secondhand, secondhand smoke, shit, sister, sleep, smoke, smoked, stain, stained teeth, stay, stress, suckage, sweet, swept away, tag, taste, testimony, thanks, thanks but no thanks, thinking, today, try, undoubtably, unhealthy, via, warmth, welcome, why?, willpower
9:45 AM
You know when you wake up irritable and cranky, and aren’t fully aware why? That happened to me this morning. It took this long to remember why.
I dreamed last night I smoked my first cigarette.
The clammy inhalation of sweet, sweet smoke. The taste on my tongue. Of grey, of ash, tasting of warmth. My nerves welcomed it all as my head screamed NO.
I was only going to try one. In my dream, though, promises to myself and willpower meant nothing. Swept away by the breeze like so much smoke. I smoked the first cigarette, threw it away, then picked up another. Lit it like a pro.
My heart hurts today, thinking about it. Regardless of the fact that I’ve undoubtably inhaled the equivalent of dozens of cigarettes via secondhand, I’d vowed never to take one and smoke it myself. It was hell as a little kid, seeing both parents willingly inhale shit.
Now, my dad’s stained teeth and my mother’s loud, wracking cough are testimony to the suckage that accompanies what some fools endearingly term “ciggs.”
Well, thanks but no thanks. I’ve felt what these things can do to my own lungs. My sister was born premature and an asthmatic because of them. There’s emotional stress and health problems that tag right along with the pleasant buzz, or whatever the hell it is.
Smoking a cigg last night was just a dream. And it will stay that way, for me.
Filed under: Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: anything, away, basis, blog, breath, change, college, consciousness, daily, damned, desperately, don't, eager, enter, everything, evolve, evolved, experience, fail, family, few, final, friends, future, gowanda, guitar, guitar riffs, happen, high school, hit me, individual, jam, jamming, last, lately, leave, left, life, living, made, make, make the most of it, making, mark, me, mind, miss, mold, moment, my mark, my own, new, not, nothing, offer, old, one, own, person, possibilities, preparing, queen, riffs, same, school, seeing, senior, sense, short, so they say, stream of consciousness, succeed, terrified, terror, think, thinking, time, transition, want, wasted, weeks, what if?, will be, write, Writing, year, young, youth
As I sit here jamming to the piercing guitar riffs of Queen, I think on the possibilities the future has to offer. What’s new, right? I do that on a daily basis. Lately, though, it’s started to hit me… in a few short weeks I will be considered a senior, or at least in the transition to one. I will be preparing to enter my final year of high school.
I don’t want to! But in the same breath I do; I desperately, desperately do. I want to go out to experience what life has to offer, I want to leave my mark on the world. I want to be my own person, my own individual.
But I’ll miss not living with my family and seeing my friends daily when I’m away in college. I know I will make new friends, but what of the old ones? What will happen?
Anything can happen in that last year of school. Everything or nothing can change me, mold me into the person I will be when I leave for college.
I’m eager, and yet I’m terrified. What if I fail? Or, what if I succeed?
I know I’m not making much sense at the moment, but I didn’t start this blog with a set sense of what I wanted to write about in mind. It just kind of evolved with my stream of consciousness.
In any case, I want to make the most of what time I have left in Gowanda. “Youth is wasted on the young,” they say. Well, I’ll be damned if it’s wasted on me.
Filed under: Events, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: 10something, accident, admiration, alone, always, backwards, beat, beautiful, beauty, bus, busdriver, by myself, check, checking, christ, christ jesus, creation, creativity, creep, dangerous, death, deathtrap, deepfreeze, doom, douse, doused, drank, drink, drive, driver, driveway, enormous, experience, experienced, fear, fervent, few, fine, freeze, freezing, frigid, glazed, go, God, guard, guard rail, guardrail, heart, heartbeat, ice, icy, immersed, imminent, incision, january, jesus, jesus christ, land, lonely, love, mary, mind, moment, moments, myself, natural, nerve-wracking, nerves, nervous, nothing, peace, physically, plunge, plunged, protect, protective, pulse, racing, racing pulse, rail, sank, scary, scene, sharp, short, sit, skid, skin, slow, snow, snow-glazed, something, still, stillness, stood, ten, ten-something, terrified, terror, think, thinking, thought, thoughts, thump, thumping, tranquil, tranquility, um, vehicle, virgin mary, way, what, wind, winter, within, wonder, wonderland
10something AM 1/28/09 The Bus
I hate winter. I really do. I would gladly substitute snow for five months of sweltering heat.
But today, as I walked down my icy driveway to meet the bus, I was awed by God’s creativity, at his creations.
Beauty surrounded me. I don’t think I have the ability to select the choicest words to describe it.
Snow piled up soundlessly around (and on) me. The locust and spruce trees sat stoically on the front lawn and allowed themselves to be frosted by a delicate sheet of white.
The tranquility and silence after a morning of waiting and loud, beat-laden melodies was a welcome, gently settled blanket of peace.
It isn’t often I am alone. I can feel lonely, or sit by myself, but there is always someone with me physically, or checking up on me, or on my mind.
Christ Jesus and Mary. The bus almost slid into a ravine. There was no guard rail. We’re fine though. The busdriver and I. We’re fine.
Back to the snow-glazed wonderland I just stood within– it was nothing like what I just experienced. No thumping heart, racing pulse, or sharp incision of fear. No fervent thoughts like, “let’s just not go this way” or “um, there is no protective rail there.” No nerve-wracking skid or slow creep backwards in an enormous deathtrap of a vehicle.
For a few short moments this morning, I stood immersed in stillness. I wasn’t doused in frigid wind or plunged into icy deepfreeze. The natural scene placed before me sank into my skin and immersed me in love and admiration for the beauty of it all.
I walked down a driveway, and drank in the peace.
Filed under: Random Thoughts | Tags: adult, after, afterschool, anyway, bitch, care, carefree, crazy, day, down, ew, finality, free, gowanda high school, gross, grown up, high, high school, hold, idea, ideas, it, job, living, living it up, machine, me, morning, my own, myself, nothing, one, over, own, parties, party, person, responsibilities, responsible, restless, school, stuck, tim horton's, timmy ho's, unrestricted, up, vending, vending machine, walk, xylophone, zamboni
One day
it’ll all be over.
No more parties, no more xylophone, no more crazy ideas like “let’s steal the zamboni” or “how about we break into the vending machine?” I won’t be able to bitch about the early morning or walk to Timmy Ho’s when there’s nothing to do afterschool but I’m stuck there anyway. I’ll be a grown up. I’ll have responsibilities. I will have to hold down a job.
From time to time, I’ll look back on high school and think, those were the best years of my life. Carefree, unrestricted, restless and just learning how to be my own person.
I want to make the most of it.
Filed under: Random Thoughts | Tags: appearance, awesome, ball, black, comfort, comfort zone, dancing, dark, dress, excited, game plan, heels, homecoming, katie trank, kick-ass, kickass, look, match, me, nothing, ooh, opportunities, opportunity, pumped, pumps, red, sexy, shoes, stilettos, underwear, unknown, wait, waiting, winter, winter ball
I can’t wait.
I now have a kickass red and black dress to go with my kickass red shoes. I am pumped.
I am pumped for this dance (Winter Ball) and the opportunies for fun it’s providing. After homecoming, everyone (okay, Katie and I) werre like, “Ooh, we want another dance! I want to keep dancing !”
Now we can.
No reservations, is my game plan. It’s dark in there, so everyone’s comfort zones are more level, and I could, essentially, walk up to someone completely unknown and be like “dance with me.”
I might just do that.
Nothing stands in my way.
I am going to be wearing red.
My shoes, dress, underwear–
All are going to match.
And I am going to look kickass.
I can’t wait.
Kick Drum Heart 