Kick Drum Heart

I just finished a letter to Michael. Finally. My first one completed since mid-July.

I know I’m pathetic.

But at least I really do try to be a friend, you know? I’ve realized lately that the more I try to be genuinely friendly and caring toward other people who I might not normally make the effort toward, the better I feel.

For example, talking to Taylor Nielson seriously, instead of brushing off his crazy remarks. Really trying to listen to him and attempting to have him listen to himself, haha.

Or, I don’t know. Just, interacting with people so far this week has made me happy. Even little comments that might make someone feel a smidgeon better about themselves seem to pop out of my mouth more than normal. Encouraging things, or teasing things. Just small notions that, if reciprocated, would make me feel loved.

I don’t care if they are reciprocated. Just the thought that I might be improving someone else’s day has brightened mine lately.

I hope this stays. I know it probably reads mad corny, but I like to make other people feel good. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like I could be a positive person. I want it to stick.

It’s almost time for school again. This week has flown by in a haze of grey and brown and puce. Just dark and unpleasant, filled with combinations of resentment, frustration, fury.

I rarely really get angry. But this week, I’ve come close. And at school, no less. I normally try to refrain from losing my temper and my composure in public places.

I’m not saying that me, being pissed off, is some big scene. But no one is really accustomed to me having a full-blown mad on, so I’m sure I’d turn a few heads (and not in a good way).

It’s just, I’m so frustrated. I’m working so hard, why can’t everyone else? That’s not supposed to sound egocentric or braggy, it’s the truth! If the team put in seventy-five percent of what I did on a daily basis, we’d have a finished book by now.

Not to be an asshole. That’s just the way it is. And I’m not dissing our previous efforts, either. I’m just saying, we need to work harder, and I’m beating myself up over it. No one else seems to give a damn.

Well, I committed to this responsibility. I guess, if no one else wants to, then I’ll find a new staff. Since apparently it’s my fault I trained them all. And they’re not bright enough to understand it, am observing that statement correctly? It’s not like they’re stupid. It’s just a complaint. “Wah, wah, I can’t do it, you told me this, you’d said that before.” Well I’m telling you differently now, dammit, there’s not really enough available time to sit here coddling you. Just get your page done, how about that.

I’m sure that reads really coldly. And bitchily. But that’s how I feel right now. Cold and bitchy. I don’t want to hate doing something that I once really enjoyed. It might be the depression of this crappy season, it might be the weight of my commitments catching up with me. Or, it could be the long-lost strictness and taskmaster vein finally strengthening and imposed itself on those I’m supposed to act as taskmaster to.

Hmm. Either way, I feel bad, but the objective is to finish things, and have the end result phenomenal.

It’s not my book. If it was, I wouldn’t care so damn much.

I’m going to write without barriers. These are my thoughts right now, and it might be a little risque, but either suck it up and deal with it or don’t read.

I’m desperate. Desperate for someone to hold, someone to touch. Someone to whisper to, someone to kiss.

I’m pathetic, too. Pathetic for craving someone else. Almost anyone else.

Stupid silly shoelaces.

This seems to be the writing time
Not too late, but past the prime
The perfect moment in which to rhyme
This tiny window of my time.

A flow of ink against blank white
A red line dribbled, a proofing sight
A blue quick loop and then it’s night
Away from here into snow bright white.

I know, I know. I’ve been blogging up a storm lately. It’s just because there’s a lot on my mind that I can’t preoccupy myself thinking about, so I have to schedule a time to get it all out of there.

I want to go to school tomorrow and have something cute happen to me.

And from that one statement, I just realized that I’m being completely superficial and retarded and I feel like I’m not thinking about anyone else at all, except in regard to how they relate to me.

This needs to stop. Right now.

I know I haven’t liked a boy in a long time so it’s weird for me to think about someone so much. But I’m not thinking about how I can be wonderful to him, I’m thinking about how much fun I could derive from hanging out with him.

So I’m being selfish.

And like I said, this needs to stop.

Okay, so I made Robby a hat. Big deal. I felt bad for his cold bald head. But that was one kind act in a cesspool of self-absorbed ones. I need to get a grip and get it together.

And this was so not where I planned on having this blog go, hah. I wanted to rant and rave about my problems and think about that boy some more. (Not Robby, the other one. Although Robby is damn cute and so so funny! :])

I’m waiting on his answer and I don’t really have anything else to do but sit here and think about myself, so what do you expect?

I need to stop being such a– I don’t know, such a self-obsessed idiot. I need to tug my head back from the clouds of dreamy dazed romanticism and try to be nicer. And less egocentric.

So my roundtable essay’s done, and awaiting critique by Mrs. Propp. This essay also counts as my position paper for english, and will be the foundation for my persuasive speech in speech.

I’m happy it’s done. I’m so relieved I don’t have to work on it.

Now my mom and sister are discussing differences between Lerew and Stoffel. Hoo, boy.

I still have a lot to do. I completely, accidentally blew off Theory II twelfth period with Fried. I feel bad. I didn’t even tell her; I’d completely forgotten. Uhggg. So tomorrow first thing I have to find her and apologize and obtain a long black skirt.

Then it’s yearbook time afterschool. Ick, ick, ick. I have to yell at everyone (or explain things nicely that they should have known since September). I will probably end up being a colossal bitch. It makes me sick to my stomach.

But I’m done with my paper and I don’t have any other homework and I just need to pack for Conference and pick out some dress clothes.

I can go to bed early tonight, or write, or watch TV or practice if I want to. I’ve accomplished something.

I’ve been having some unusual dreams lately.

It’s really not unlike me to encounter some weird ones. I’ve chilled with a werewolf who was actually my cousin’s buddy, broken Caitlin out of a whorehouse and waltzed with Nick Jonas.

And I have to say, I’ve had some really bad dreams. I’ve fought off a cannibal banshee who used my bathtub as her fortress (the bleeding strips of entrails dripping from the curtain rod didn’t really entice me into showering the next morning, let me tell you). I have catapulted off of a cliff with a girl I hated.

I have seen my dead dog, alive, and pleaded with her not to burn alive. I’ve raced into similar fiery infernos to save my sister (who ended up a blackened, crispy husk). I’ve been pregnant and alone in a Chinese stable, for God’s sake.

But the past two nights I’ve been haunted.

The night before last, my mom was sick. I watched her seize and convulse viciously until the pain in her head killed her. I kept telling myself, as she became unrecognizable (similar to an orange rind, oddly), that she wasn’t dead, she wasn’t dead. She was fine, she would get better. A little Mexican man kept trying to tell me that, too. Then he told me my dad had cut himself. I raced to the back porch and expected to see his wrists slashed.

No. He slumped against the pool with his throat slit in two places.

For some reason I was talking to him about Doc and Grandma, though. Reassuring him that she never meant to destroy the illusion he’d held of his mother and father and fidelity. I discovered then he’d been cutting himself for years because of them.

Then last night, I dreamed for the second time in my life that I died.

The first time was two or three years ago. Jaws’ sister bit me in half. It was a sweet death, calming and walm and dark and peaceful. I didn’t feel a thing but a pleasant crushing sensation and waiting, warm blue.

Last night, I dreamed that a boy I know– a boy I know that has liked me and been a creeper so I ignore him– brought a gun to school. A small pistol. The light was bright and crayon yellow, crayola orange. Desks were smooth and gray and he simply swung the pistol around the room. Angry at us. Angry at existence. My heart hammered as a glint off the muzzle– silvery, spark– shone as he pulled the gun in a swift arc until it faced me.

All along I’d been terrified, immobile with horror, thinking that my friends were going to die. Thinking that this abhorrent tragedy had really arrived at Gowanda and landing with both murky, mucky feet.

But no. The words that came out of his mouth were, “I was going to kill them all. But I won’t. Instead I’ll kill you.” And the last thing I saw was the hate blaze in his eyes. Any hurt remaining was seared away by the anger.

The last thing I felt was the crack-crack! of my ribs and the puncture of my lung as the blast of two shots ripped through my chest.

This death wasn’t a peaceful one. Not in the least. I remained a ghost, transparent and lonely, listening to the aftermath.

I was the only one who’d been murdered. Just me.

And I heard the wrenching sorrow that flooded my mother’s heart. The abandonment of my sister’s. The confused and regretful pulse of my dad’s. I experienced the hurt that me, leaving, would wreck upon my family. I watched, helpless, as acquaintances of my family told my parents at my wake about what a talent, what a potential I had had. What they had hoped for me.

Then I think my mom wailed, and I woke up, crying. My mom never wails.

God, I wish I was an insomniac.

The Avett Brothers’ new CD comes out tomorrow. I wish I was going to the NYC celebration concert.

I and Love and You, Avetts.

7:50 AM
8/20/09

This is what I come to. Writing out Myspace surveys in Sharpie pen on notebook paper at not even eight in the morning. Sitting at a platform desk in HSBC bank waiting for ten-thirty to roll around.

I’m sipping lukewarm milk-coffee-chocolate mixture with an Avett Brothers’ tune skimming through my thoughts, wondering if this limbo of time and action will give me energy or weary me more.

I guess it’s no use wallowing in it.

I’ll listen to the ATM’s cheerful beeping and my mother’s aggravated typing and write out this dumb survey in an attempt to sepdn minutes. I may even use capitalization and full sentences on this one. Then again, maybe not.

Here we go.

Promise you wont lie?
I have all the time in the world to make up fanciful answers (not saying I’ll do that, but), I suppose I can tell the truth.

If you married the last person who texted you what would your last name be?
Cornelius-Steever, haha.

What would you do if the person you liked suddenly said they loved you?
I’d probably tell him to sober up.

Do you still talk to the person you were dating 4 months ago?
I was single four months ago :)

Do you know how it feels to be cheated on?
Even though apparently it wasn’t officially “cheating,” yeah, I do.

Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?
Since I haven’t “fallen” for anyone yet, I couldn’t say.

Are you nice to everyone?
I try to be, I guess.

What is the last non-alcoholic drink you had?
Coffee-milk-chocolate mixture beverage.

Who is the first person you would call if you REALLY needed help?
I would call my mother, of course.

Do you get high a lot?
No, I don’t.

Who did you last hang out with?
Brendan, Skylar, Marya, Aaron, Josh and Katiestang, downtown yesterday… even though most of the “hanging out” we did consisted of walking and cleaning.

What do you currently hear right now?
I hear the ARM, keys, Kathleen and my mother opening the Vault and putting the bank in motion.

What are/were you doing at twelve this afternoon?
I hope I’ll be working somewhere, doing something useful.

How many times have you dyed your hair?
I have never dyed my hair.

Would you prefer a thunderstorm or for it to be snowing?
I hate winter and the cold; but honestly I’m very against rain right now. Rain makes mud, and although I know I don’t have to live in it and am very, very lucky, I’m really sick of mud.

Did you have a good day yesterday?
I’ve had better days.

If you have to get a piercing, what do you get?
I kind of want my cartilage pierced in my ear.

Was the first person you talked to today male or female?
I was babbling incoherent nonsense to my female mother early this morning.

Are you in a good mood right now?
I’m not really in any kind of mood. I’m tired.
My sunburned nose hurts, though. I guess I’m not in a good mood.

Have you accidentally sent a text to the wrong person?
Well I don’t know why anyone would do it on purpose.

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
Absolutely not. I’m the kidn of person who never had a girlfriend/boyfriend. I’d rather not have to deal with the extra stress.

What will you do later?
Hopefully I’ll be working, clearing flood bullshit up.

What are you doing right now?
Whiling away the hours.

Where was the last place you layed down other than your own bed?
The living room couch.

Would you ever get a tattoo?
I don’t know. I might.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted?
Ha, no! He would probably freak out.

What’s the worst abuse your phone has gone through?
The flood cleanup… It’s been coated in mud/sewage, washed off in pool water, stuck in my sweaty, dirty shirt, thrown in a mud-laden bad… and so on.

Is there somebody in your life that you could not survive without?
Yes, there is.

Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?
I’m wearing sweats with Soffee shorts under them. I wore these sweatpants for pajama pants last night, too. What can I say? I’m a bum sometimes.

Did you go to sleep smiling last night?
I highly doubt it. There’s just too much going on.

Do you want to start over with anyone?
I guess I could. It would make things interesting, maybe a little easier. Simpler.

What’s the one thing that always gets you through the day?
A little bit of coffee and a lot of music always help. Drinking water makes me feel better, too, I guess.

When was the last time you gave your number to someone?
Yesterday I made sure Josh had it.

How many hours did you sleep last night?
I slept form ten-thirty to six-thirty, but not much in between. I’ll say I slept six.

What were you doing at 3am this morning?
Tossing and turning.

How did you feel when you woke up today?
Like I’d been pounded with the sledgehammer.

Where would I find you this Friday?
MY mother is telling me to take a day off. Maybe you’d find me at home :/

Does it make you uncomfortable when you receive a compliment?
Sometimes it does, especially when it’s something that’s completely out of the blue.

Do you think that smoking weed changes people?
Yes. It changes their priorities, and what they care about.

Do you believe you go ‘somewhere’ after death?
I think it’s very likely, but no one can know for sure.

What are three things you did today?:
01.) Discovered my sunburn is peeling.
02.) Drank approximately 3 cups of coffee-milk-chocolate mixture beverage.
03.) Had to pee because of it. A lot.

What are your plans for this weekend?
I don’t know. Jill and Sam are having parties, Caitlin’s leaving. I mostly just want to sleep, sing, write, and relax. Without stressing or stupid shit.

Ever liked someone that had a tattoo?
Yeah, but I don’t know why. The guy’s a regular fuckhead. Pardon my French.

Have you taken a shower in the last 24 hours?
Yes indeed.

Ever licked someone’s cheek or forehead?
Of course!

Is there someone you want to see right now?
Yeah. I’d like this someone to help me relax in a very excellent way.

Do you know anyone who’s in the hospital?
Not personally, but I know of them.

Are you taller than 5 foot 7 inches?
Nope.

Are you one of those people who just don’t care?
I can be, sometimes. But there will always be people and issues I care about. Situations themselves matter less to me than people in them.

Where did you get your last bruise from?
Carrying buckets brimming with creek sludge.

What is something you disliked about your day?
So far, I hate it that I’m so tired. And I might have to walk to the Moose, alone.

Do you find piercings and tattoos attractive?
Not anymore attractive than not having them.

Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to?
I’m afraid of what I’ll do without her someday.

Is anything bothering you?
Yes. Lots.

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?
I wished, for once, that I wasn’t alone.

Is anyone else in the room with you?
No one else is in this little cubicle, but there are plenty of employees here in the bank.

Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone?
My dad.

Does anyone call you babe?
Not really.

What were you doing at 7:30 am?
I was on my way here in the car.

Do you know anyone who has been arrested?
Yes.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed?
Mom. She was telling me to go to bed, funnily enough.

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made?
I’m happy with most of them. The rest, well, I’ll live with them.

What was the reason for you throwing up last time?
The food wasn’t going to stay in my stomach. I wasn’t well.

If you were offered to smoke some weed right now, would you accept?
Fuck no. I have too much to do right now, to make a choice that might mess that up.

Are you planning to go see a movie anytime soon?
I hope we’ll all get to see “Hello, Dolly!” eventually.

Have you jumped in a pool with all your clothes on?
Yeah. After staining I was pretty disgusting.

Do you have to sleep with a television on?
No; I probably couldn’t, anyway.

Do you own a digital camera?
Nope. I’m asking for one for my birthday. Since I’m broke.

Do you love where you live?
Yes. I really, really do.

Last person you were on the phone with that wasn’t family, when?
I talked to Brendan yesterday morning.

Are you a mean person?
No. I can be mean, but I’m not intrinsically nasty, haha.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
Of course.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
No way.

What do you hear?
Isn’t this a repeat? The sounds haven’t changed.

Have you ever broken someones heart?
No I have not. What a joke.

Has anyone broken yours?
My heart’s as sturdy and whole as it’s always been.

What does your hair look like right now?
It’s up, and clean, and blonde.

Do you like Mexican food?
It’s not my favorite.

Did you go out with anyone this past Valentine’s day?
No. KT and I were going to go to dinner at Ruby Tuesday’s… but that didn’t happen. :(

What is the last thing you did before bed last night?
I had dived into my sketchbook. Trippy tribal designs are my current motif, haha.

Do you own an iPod?
Yes. It’s sunbright yellow :)

Is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now?
I guess so. I’d just rather not be feeling angry and at fault with. So I don’t think about it.

Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
Sure.

Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2010?
It’s very likely. It already has, anyway.

Can money buy love?
No, it can’t. It can buy happiness and amuse4ment to some degree, but possession can’t love you back. Unless you consider a god a possession. I don’t.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I don’t think so.

Have you ever found yourself somewhere and not remembering how you got there?
Yes. Deep sleep does that to me. I’ll wake up and want to know where  I am.

Anyone you’re giving up on?
I’m not giving up– I’m just not giving a shit anymore. “Youcan smack someone in the face with a haddock and they’ll still see a mouse if a mouse is what the want to see” (Pierce I-don’t-know-the-page).

Who is the last person you messaged on myspace?
I think it may have been Chunk.

Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
I stole these socks from my mother, and my sister claimed these sneakers. Otherwise, no.

Honestly, what’s on your mind?
Everything, and nothing. I’m trying not to think. If I really buckled down and listed everything I’m thinking about, you’d think I was nuts. Really.

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
I guess so? I don’t really seriously like someone very often, so when I do, it’s harder to get them out of my head.

Are you wearing a ring, if so who gave it to you?
No, I’m ringless. No jewelry today.

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
I was writing the questions to this stupid survey that’s taken forever.

What woke you up this morning?
My mother, informing me that if I didn’t wake up I wasn’t going anywhere.

Are you a jealous person?
I know I can be. At the moment, though, it would be hard work to think up an example.

Are you jealous of your best friend?
Maybe I’m jealous of some of the freedoms they are allowed.

What sweatshirt did you wear last?
I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve needed one.

Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
No. I wish I coiuld, it seems like it would be very peaceful. Pretty.

Is there anyone over protective over you?
Except for my mom, not really, haha. I’m the one who gets overprotective over everyone else.

Do you love anyone?
Of course.

Would you run down the street if it meant earning $150?
Duh. I don’t have any money.

Have you ever kissed someone with the first initial K?
Yes, I have.

If there was a large spider in the room, would you stay?
Sure. I’d try to save it and get it out, though.

Have you ever slapped someone across the face?
Jokingly. Not for real.

Do you lead people on?
I try not to.

Dark hair or light hair in the opposite sex?
Either/or… right now I’m in the middle, haha.

Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
Sure.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an O, J or B?
B for Bari! That was truth or dare, though :)

Do you have feelings for anyone?
Not romantic ones. (More like lustful. Haha.)

When was the last time you had a late night phone conversation?
A long, long time ago. Maybe prom.
Okay, not so long ago. But it feels that way.

Would you get back together with an ex down the road?
My only ex is one of the most arrogant, conceited, stupid sons of bitches you’ll ever meet. So, no. Thanks anyway.

Think back to May, who were you in a relationship with?
No one :)

What are some things you do when you’re mad?
Lately, I’ve been venting, but only because there hasn’t been much alone time to blast the music and belt out some songs with poor vocal health.

Are you happier now or three months ago?
I don’t know. Right now, I’m good with where I’m at, but I’m too tired to be “happy.” Three months ago, I was happy, but I don’t want to look back, really. So I don’t know.

When was the last time you smiled and actually meant it?
Yesterday, probably.

Do you trust all your friends?
Not all of them. I love ’em all, however.
Now that I’ve finished that stupid survey that will take me twelve hours to type, I’ve decided something. I want to go home. I’m tired. I don’t feel good. Speaking of which, it’s a good thing I brought Tylonol. I’m going to take some. I just want to surl up with a blanket and pillow and sink back down into sleep.

Then again, I want to work. There’s still things I could be doing, homes that can be helped. I’m capable, I’m willing, and dammit, I’m already in Gowanda, so I hope we find something useful to do today.

I wish this table wasn’t digging into my ribs, I might be able to fall asleep otherwise.

I. Am. So. Cold.

I didn’t have time to grab my hoodie for track, and now I can’t seem to get warm. I’ll be hitting the hot shower in mere minutes, but God I am freezing.

I’m a little sick to my stomach too, but I ran over one and a half miles today. Whoo hoooo.

And for dinner we are having potatoes (baked in olive oil, mmm, if I make them), salad, and hamsteak. God, I’m hungry too. I say God a lot when I’m feeling like shit, I guess.

I can barely type, my hands are numb. And all day I’ve felt a little uninteresting and a lot boring because I can’t seem to capture someone’s attention long enough to have a conversation. Maybe he just has some sort of set image of me in his mind and can’t replace it with a better one. Whatever. I’m so exhausted (and it’s a good exhausted, so take note: I’m not complaining). But I’m just not in the mood to think and over-analyze and stress myself out over a guy who is normal around everyone else but me.

I probably shouldn’t talk, though, because I’m normal around everyone else but him. God damn it, but that does not mean we are in the same situation. I’ve taken the initiative so many times, without any kind of reaction except one dance. And that was probably on a dare or something.

Oh well. I’m boring. I’ll get over it.

I feel like I’m going to puke. But I am so hungry. I suppose I’ll get over that too. God.