Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: admitting, allergies, asleep, coming out, confession, controversy, dumbledore, excellent, family, gay, harry potter, heterosexual, homosexual, illiterate, jk rowling, literacy, personal, rainbow boys, reading, sex, sick, sleep, symptoms, wrench
You know that statue of a guy in a slouch, with his head on his hand in a thinking pose? That’s me.
Except I’m not a guy, and I’m not marble or whatever. And I’m not naked, and I’m pretty sure that statue is (or maybe he’s wearing a toga).
Regardless, he’s me. Pretty much. I think all the time. About everything. I can be playing a game made to make me mindless and stop, but the gears are still whirring, click-click-clicking along inside my head.
About what? Everything. But mostly about what I read. I swear to God, if I was illiterate, I would be a box of rocks. I wouldn’t even function. I might not even eat. What’s the point of snacktime without something to read?
I finished the seventh Harry Potter book today. Then I read the novel Rainbow Boys, which is about exactly what you think. Three gay kids in a public high school. I don’t know what made me check that book out of the library. I read the blush on Mrs. Ciminesi’s face as she scanned it for me.
I’m not questioning my sexuality (I like boys, of all varieties), but I had seen it on the shelf once or twice before and something in the back of my mind poked at me, like wiggling a tooth. Check it out, it said.
Well, I did, finally, yesterday. I finished it in three or so hours. It wasn’t emotionally moving, although I did burst out laughing a few times. From an ex-homophobe’s perspective, the narration was quite comfortable. I wasn’t uneasy, and generally I get a little jumpy, considering homosexuality isn’t something I’ve been exposed to a great deal. But this book was almost pleasant, in that I wasn’t uncomfortable at all.
But so, yeah. That’s what I’ve been thinking about. And that ties into Harry Potter because Dumbledore was gay (possibly with Grindelwald). Possibly one of the top three greatest wizards of all time, and a queer.
And so what. Before JK Rowling had said anything about it, no one gave a crap. After, there was all this talk about corruption and the rumors sprouted about Snape being a vampire, and…
Well, whatever, I’m digressing. But the fact remains that I’m thinking. About the parallels that Harry Potter reflects relating to the Holocaust, and persecution (Muggles=Jews). About how that kind of narrow-minded pursuit of those different leads to incredibly violent controversy.
And, finally, the deep wrench that comes with admitting you are who you are. On a personal level, I feel like I should be thinking and dwelling on that, in particular. That there’s something I need to admit to myself.
I don’t know what it is, yet, but I’ve done some soul searching throughout the past few hours and have found a number of possibilities. Probably all of them combined would have the same bombshell effect on my family, were I to admit them to my family, as coming out.
Not that I will ever be coming out, since (ironically) that is the one massive life-altering announcement I will never have to make. Boys are by far my favorite gender.
But that’s going to have to be all for tonight. I’m exhausted, and I’m sure I’ll be up mulling over more as the hours drag on before I fall asleep. That’s one of the stupidest parts of being sick (or having serious allergies, as my recent symptoms suggest): I lay there fretting about how I feel like crap and thinking, rather than getting the excellent eight hours.
And that’s enough rambling for one night. Yepo.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: blame, blog, boy, Christmas, clarify, day, done, energy, female, half-assed, here, insane, post, pride, sex, sleep, sugar, thoughts, winter, Writing
So, I had quite a few nice discussions with Kevin today. We talked about some subjects that would have made most people uncomfortable, but we plowed on through ’em, ha ha.
It helped me sort a lot out, though. Like, fun does not equal sex. As if I hadn’t known that.
But it did force me to clarify my thoughts about this boy I keep focusing on (for God knows why, too).
I don’t want him for sex.
I think I want him for company, and for comfort. And of course, for me to selfishly reassure my female pride, since it will have proven I don’t suck at talking to guys.
So, as long as that’s cleared up.
And alright, this blog pretty much just bottomed out. I’m done writing, for now. Probably when I think of something else I’ll type it half-assed and post it. Like I did here.
Urghh. I really just want to sleep. I blame the insane amounts of sugar in school today.
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations | Tags: accompanies, change, changes, early, emily, focused, heart, heartsick, hello dolly!, hurts, i miss summer, kevin, lack thereof, laid-back, miserable, miss, mornings, mr. lerew, not focused, opportunities, people, sick, sleep, summer, summertime, sunrise, the avett brothers, time
I’ve decided I miss summer.
I miss the light-hearted freedom that accompanies every inhalation.
I miss the endless, constant green. I miss the breezes that seem to blow cool air straight from the beach (and not the part with dead fish sweating on the shoreline, either).
I miss the time when the Avett Brothers could make me happy with one light stroke of a pick across nickel wire.
I miss talking to people instead of hearing talk about them. I miss sleep. I miss “Hello, Dolly” and Emily and Kevin and I freaking miss Mr. Lerew.
I miss the changes I thought were going to happen that didn’t. I miss the opportunities I’ve wasted so far because I can’t function on so little sleep and am not focused.
I miss the comfort I once had, that placated the cynicism that keeps trying to corrode my mind. I miss the soothing calm of peace. I miss early mornings filled with sunrise and the laid-back mindset that accompanies not having to do anything.
I miss these things and people so damn much my heart hurts. Just feels like it’s aching and throbbing and is just going to jump out of my chest. It’s so miserable, it wants out.
I miss summer.
Filed under: Dreams, My Day, Ranting | Tags: another, ash, because, both, buzz, cigarette, cigarettes, cigg, ciggs, clammy, cough, cranky, dad, day, dozens, dream, emotion, emotional, endearingly, equivalent, first, fool, foolish, fools, fully aware, grey, head, health, health problems, heart, hell, hurt, hurts, inhale, irritable, kid, know, last night, life, lighter, lit, little kid, lung, lungs, marlboro, meaningless, michelle, mom, morning, mother, myself, nerves, newport, no, nothing, one, only, parents, pleasant, pro, problems, promise, regardless, remember, scream, screaming, secondhand, secondhand smoke, shit, sister, sleep, smoke, smoked, stain, stained teeth, stay, stress, suckage, sweet, swept away, tag, taste, testimony, thanks, thanks but no thanks, thinking, today, try, undoubtably, unhealthy, via, warmth, welcome, why?, willpower
9:45 AM
You know when you wake up irritable and cranky, and aren’t fully aware why? That happened to me this morning. It took this long to remember why.
I dreamed last night I smoked my first cigarette.
The clammy inhalation of sweet, sweet smoke. The taste on my tongue. Of grey, of ash, tasting of warmth. My nerves welcomed it all as my head screamed NO.
I was only going to try one. In my dream, though, promises to myself and willpower meant nothing. Swept away by the breeze like so much smoke. I smoked the first cigarette, threw it away, then picked up another. Lit it like a pro.
My heart hurts today, thinking about it. Regardless of the fact that I’ve undoubtably inhaled the equivalent of dozens of cigarettes via secondhand, I’d vowed never to take one and smoke it myself. It was hell as a little kid, seeing both parents willingly inhale shit.
Now, my dad’s stained teeth and my mother’s loud, wracking cough are testimony to the suckage that accompanies what some fools endearingly term “ciggs.”
Well, thanks but no thanks. I’ve felt what these things can do to my own lungs. My sister was born premature and an asthmatic because of them. There’s emotional stress and health problems that tag right along with the pleasant buzz, or whatever the hell it is.
Smoking a cigg last night was just a dream. And it will stay that way, for me.
Filed under: Dreams, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: "Why that's absurd!", 8:00, a lot, absurd, adoration, adore, at least, balance, boys, brendan, cait, caitlin, car, chance, cheap, chemistry, commitment, confused, considerate, contact, conversation, dead of the night, decent, dedication, devotion, don't know, drop, early, eight, enjoy, expect, expectations, eye strain, fall asleep, feel, find, flight, flighty, forceful, friend, fun, God, good night, good times, growl, guess, happy medium, hesistant, hesistating, hesistation, hope, how, i don't know what i'm talking about, inkling, Irresistible Revolution, issue, jack, kate winslet, keep, kiss, leo dicaprio, life, like, live, looking, love, moment, moments, moron, moving, names, no issue, no sinking, one life, people, perfect, perfect balance, person, pillow, please, pleasing, reason, respect, rose, screw, searching, serious, service, settle, settle down, Shane Claiborne, short, sink, six, six hours, sleep, slut, sluts, solemn, soul strain, sounds, stupid, take the chance, text, texting, texting while sleeping, them, think, thinking, thought, time, titanic, too hard, trapped, understand, up, use, vow, waking, what they think, whatever, with me
I don’t know if there’s a better reason for being up this early other than I can’t fall back to sleep, but I didn’t want to take the chance that there was. It sounds stupid, but I don’t want to miss a thing… I’m reading The Irresistible Revolution right now and Brendan was right, it does change you. Already I am searching hard at my life, looking for ways that God can use me. I have the inkling I’m looking a little too closely, but I’d rather try and look too hard than not at all. Although, isn’t God the one who will find service and drop it in my lap? See, I don’t know. So I’m confused and starting to get eye and soul strain, here.
Oh, and I think I was trying to text in my sleep again. Cait wasn’t here last night to check on me, but I woke up and my phone was next to me instead of shoved back way under my pillow, so I was moving around pretty forcefully, at least.
I love sleep. I don’t want to give up sleeping because I act like a moron and can’t stop from growling out names and trying to contact people in the dead of the night. How absurd.
The word “absurd” makes me think of “Titanic,” and Rose. “Why that’s absurd!”
I wish I had a Jack (preferably one that wouldn’t sink). I think he’d be a lot of fun, and he’d think I was fun too so there would be no issue. He wouldn’t be too hesistant or too much of a whore. He would want to talk to me or screw me in a car, depending on the moment. We’d have a lot of good times. He wouldn’t expect commitment or a solemn vow of dedication and devotion– he would adore me in the moment, just as I would him. He would understand that there was only one life to live and enjoy, and he’d want to spend a few short moments of his with me.
That, to me, is the perfect balance in a guy. Not too flighty, so I think I’m cheap, but not that willing to settle down, either. I don’t want to feel trapped. I don’t want to have to spend every waking moment thinking about one person and how they feel and what they think and how best to please them. I want, for once, for someone to want to please me but not want to commit to anything serious. I thought boys liked to be considerate sluts?
I’m not saying I want someone for a fuck-and-run. I don’t want to spend time with a guy I can’t respect or have a decent conversation with. But there should be some kind of happy medium, an easy chemistry that doesn’t require too much input from either of us. I want a friend who likes to kiss me, I guess. Haha.
Whatever, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m probably not posting this. At least not until eight o’ clock, anyway. I might go back to sleep. God will find me, I hope. Or else I’ll keep searching, just not when I’m on six hours of sleep on a Sunday morning. Good night.
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: achy, angry, bad manners, bed, bitching, bug bites, caitlin, cares, checking in, cheering, comment, comments, common courtest, constant, constantly, dickens, different, disgusting, doesn't matter, done, downtime, driven, energized, energy, everywhere, exaggerated, fall through, first, forgotten, frenzy, friend, get back to them, girl, goddammit, going to bed, great, hand, hanging, headache, hopefully, hyper, hyperactive, hyperactivity, i would, i'd tell them, irksome, issues, itching, laid-back, left, like, like the dickens, logging on, lose control, matter, needs, never, no control, no question, not crank y, not like, not necessarily, not used, oh no, page, peeved, per se, pissed, plans, ramble, said, saw, say, shift, sleep, smile, spam, stumble, suggest, think, thought, tired, too warm, translation, usually, views, whirlwind, won't work out, wonder, wordpress, write, yes
My first thought upon logging onto wordpress was, yes! I have spam!
It really doesn’t matter to me about receiving views and comments and whatever. I mean, this is for me to write and ramble on, and if someone happens to stumble across it and like it (or not like it) then great.
But I’d forgotten how cheering it is to know that someone actually saw the page. Someone’s checking in, someone cares. It makes me smile.
On a different hand, I’ve had a constant headache today. I don’t know if it’s the shift in energy– with Caitlin here everything seems more exaggerated, more energized, and I’m not used to that kind of hyperactivity. I’m usually a laid-back kind of girl, unless something needs to get done. Then I’m driven, but not (usually) to the point of frenzy. The house has been a whirlwind of frenzy lately.
So, I’m ready for some downtime. I’ll admit it. I’m just tired and achy and a little pissed. Why pissed? one might wonder.
Well, I guess I’m not really angry, per se. Just a little peeved. But when you suggest making plans with someone and then never get back to them, it’s irksome to the one you don’t get back to. Translation: goddammit, if I said I’d text you back about the plans we were going to have, I fricken would. No question. I don’t leave a friend hanging.
And I guess I was left hanging.
It doesn’t matter, and I’m not cranky because oh no, he might not “like” me. I’m cranky because it’s simple common courtesy to say if the plans won’t work out. And I’m not bitching about bad manners, necessarily, but I’d do it for my friends. I’d tell them when something was going to fall through.
Oh, yeah, and I have bug bites effing everywhere and I’m itching like the dickens. It’s too warm and I feel disgusting and did I mention I have a headache?
I’m going to bed. And hopefully just go right to sleep instead of brooding over issues I have no control over and will only constantly think on if I don’t.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: all day, anything, attitude, befuddled, binder, blog, chill, chilling, Christmas, cleaning, clue, cold, day, december, done, dream, Dreams, early, excellent, exhaused, find, folder, freezing, friday, friend, friends, frigid, frustrated, frustration, fun, good mood, hallucination, hamster, happy, haze, hectic, hope, house, later, location, lost, marvelous, misplaced, monday, national honor society, nhs, night, no, outline, panic, pen, possibilities, procrastination, ready, restless, runaway, shitty, sleep, sleeping, snow, snow day, story, today, tomorrow, vanished, voila, wheel, winter, work, Writing
I feel a little like writing. Maybe not just the blog today; mayve I’ll pick up a pen or a story outline and set to. Who knows?
Anything’s possible today, though… we have a snow day.
Ha, don’t think I haven’t noticed my own change in attitude toward the days off. Friday was shitty; today is marvelous.
It’s exceptionally marvelous because I mayormaynothave lost my National Honor Society folder and binder, and my voice lesson materials… they are definitely floating around here somewhere, but in all of my hectic cleaning haze, I must have misplaced them.
You know what’s excellent? I have all day to find them. I looked for them last night amidst a cloud of panic, then finally resorted to sleeping and hoping their location would come to me in a dream or hallucination or something. As it is, I did have a restless night, which is why I was up so early today, but I still have no freakin’ clue where my missing materials might be. I am cheerfully planning to conduct a large-scale search for them…. later.
I think it was the addition to something fun to my schedule that put me in a good mood. All last week it was “go, go, go”– and I honestly felt like I was the hamster in the little wheel: trying to go but simply turning round and round in the same exact place. I didn’t think I was trying hard enough, but the more I tried to push myself to get things done, the more frustrated and exhausted and befuddled I became.
But then I cleaned the house, and spent some time chilling (literally) with friends, and voila. Good mood is back again. Maybe that’s key– the friends and fun thing. If it is, though, then why am I constantly being reminded, no fun until the work is done?
Oh, well. I’m happy this morning, and once I find my runaway papers, I’ll be happy tomorrow morning, too. So bring on the snow days, I’m ready for anything.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: awful, bad, basketball, basketball game, bitchy, concession stand, concessions, cranky, disapproval, done, energy, excited, exhausted, feeling, feelings, fin, finished, finito, frustrated, game, good, happy, keyboarding, long, lovely, mood, muttering, national honor society, nhs, no, oh no, pillow, pillows, play, play rehearsal, powerful, productive, Ranting, raving, ruthless, sink, sinking, sleep, sucks, thoughts, time, tired, unhappy, Writing
I was so tired today. And less-than-energetic. And Little Richter wouldn’t shut up in keyboarding and it drove me insane. Plus, I have resumes and National Honor Society crap to do… not that it’s crap. It’s just stressful and time-consuming, when I have such little time to begin with.
It’s amazing I find time for this writing. I’m going to continue to find the time, though, because I’m sure this is good for me.
I really want to sleep right now. It’s too early, and I have things to do, but I really wouldn’t mind just drifting back into pillows and drowsing. It sounds so lovely, and peaceful.
I’m excited for tonight, though, I suppose. Play rehearsal, and then a basketball game to work (concessions). I hope play is productive. Sometimes we really don’t get anything done, and today, I’m honestly not feeling so peppy and friendly. I worry that I might get frustrated and cranky and bitchy. I hate it when I’m like that, despite how ruthless and powerful unchecked rantings make me feel (ruthless and powerful). It’s the after-bitching phase that sucks: the looks your friends give you and the muttering, and the sinking, awful feeling that maybe, shit, I just did something wrong.
Society disapproves of my bad mood. Oh no.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: ap, ap history, bed, calm, chaos, chorus, concert, english, exhausted, fatigue, focus, friday, going, help, hours, hump, itchy, michelle, pillow, red, saturday, schedule, shiiit, singing, sister, six, sleep, thursday, time, time management, tired, trapezoids, twelfth period, twenty, understand, wednesday, yawn
I am exhausted. My skin’s so dry it’s itchy and my eyes are searing with fatigue. I want to go to bed, but it’s not even close to bedtime.
Another yawn comes on again as I sit here thinking over my busy schedule. All county rehearsal tomorrow after school, then I go home to tutor a girl at four. At five I get to shower, then rush around and try to make sure Michelle and I are ready to go back down to the school for the chorus concert at six. Hours later, I’ll finally reach home and have time to myself… which I will put to use studying for the AP History test Thursday and finishing any English homework we might have.
Tomorrow will most surely be a “hump day”– where you have to keep going and going until you’re over the hypothetical hump and rolling into Thursday, which inevitably leads to Friday, which then leads to…
Saturday. Saturday is my shining red beacon in the midst of this hectic, tumultuous week.
My focus right now is to just get through tomorrow, though. Then maybe things will calm down a little.
…or maybe not.
Now I’m going to go help my sister understand trapezoids. Now I’m going to go help my sister understand trapezoids.
Shit, I seriously just typed that twice. Ahhh, I’m leaving that. I need some sleep.
Filed under: Dreams | Tags: alive, awake, broadway, coffee, college, control, crashing, Dreams, future, glad, job, life, me, microphone, morning, nine, opportunities, opportunity, out-of-the-blue, positive, questions, ridiculous, shoes, sleep, sparkle, tired, unlimited, wal-mart
I had a sad dream this morning. I can’t remember or understand what made it so sad, but it made me angry, too, because I don’t think I should have to wake up and drown in melancholy. I have no control over my dreams when I’m in such a deep sleep, and I’ve been so busy lately that that’s the only kind of sleep I get. I hate being out of my own control: having my emotions manipulated while I’m not in an aware state of consciousness drives me nuts.
The “in control” train of thought dragged me to the question, “What would I like to do with the rest of my life?”
Early mornings do that to me: push me in front of difficult, almost out-of-the-blue questions that steamroll over me and leave me desperate for another cup of strong coffee. (Nine seemed early, I was exhausted and dad had just woken me up to say he was leaving and that I should go back to sleep… yeah, sure.)
Well, I honestly don’t think I’d mind so much being a teacher. A high school English teacher, who directed the school musical. Ha, it’s realistic enough thinking, isn’t it?
Then I hear the crashing of my dreams as they fall to the ground, and the ominous clank of doors shutting all around me– opportunities wasted if I go into teaching instead of performing.
After Broadway, I tell myself. After I’m starring on Broadway, I can think about what to do with the rest of my life. How to make it a life I would treasure, how to make every minute sparkle with the joy of being alive.
That happens now, the sparkliness. After all that happened last year, I’ve figured out how to make everything glitter and gleam and glow with optimism (or if not optimism, at least a positive kind of enjoyment in my negativity– i.e., I’m glad I’m alive to be pessimistic, instead of dead and, well, dead). I’m pleased to say I’ve learned how to put a lighthearted twist on almost everything, instead of dwelling on an immense amount of ridiculous notions that I don’t have any control over.
But the rest of my life? My future? College and a job? I have control over that, I just have no idea as to how I should go about exercising that control. There are an infinite amount of colleges to choose from, and branching from there spiral limitless choices: what major, what minor, on- or off-campus? Good food or good professors? Instant fame in a tiny little school or be a small fish in a big pond?
How am I supposed to make these decisions?! They will affect me for the rest of my life!
Microphone and stage makeup or SmartBoard marker and Wal-Mart shoes!?